...tonight Jon & Kate would make the following shocking announcement:
"We took vows - not once, but twice - to remain married and faithful until we are parted by death. With the birth of each child that God gave us, those vows were burned more deeply into our souls. Last year, as we celebrated our 9th anniversay by renewing our vows in Hawaii, we not only promised our children, but America's children, that marriage vows are serious, and ours are unbreakable. We promised those 8 little faces that their security in our family and their confidence in us is worthy of their trust. And we shared it with millions of witnesses, our friends, and our family as we allowed our vows to be televised.
"We realize that, all over this country, parents reassure their children that their families will not be shredded by divorce. We understand that our show was entrusted to us by the God that we have served. And we take that very very seriously. Were our family to break up after the promises that we made to our children, every child in America that believed us also had reason to believe that they could have faith and trust in their own parents when they told them the same thing, and could sleep contentedly at night, their innocent faith in family secure.
"So we are here to announce that our children, our vows to each other and to God, and our promises to our children are more important than the money, the lifestyle, and the fame. Our word is worth more than airtime and celebrity status. Indeed, it is what our family is based upon. Nor can we, in good conscience, allow the children who heard the same words from their own parents that they heard from us, have their confidence shattered by believing that their parents' words aren't true - any more than ours would be if we were to separate.
"We are breaking our contract with TLC. This lifestyle has changed us. We can no longer relate as a family, or live as one, under the current conditions. We are seeking peace, privacy, counselling, and prayer so that we can allow the Lord to bring us back to what is important, and continue to be a positive influence on our fans rather than letting them down. Our vows before God will stand forever; our contract with a network that profits from us is but the blink of an eye. And our children's trust in their parents to always do what is right rather than what is easier will be a lifelong lesson that they can depend on.
"We thank you for your prayers and support during this time. Please follow Kate's blog for updates on how our family is doing."
Monday, June 22, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
What Low Carb Eating Is - and What It Isn't
I'm seeing lots of misconceptions around the 'net about what low carb eating is, and what it isn't. Even within the variations of different plans, there are certain physiological truths that simply don't change.
First and foremost: There are lots of people who say, "Low carb didn't work for me" or "I did Atkins once but I gained all the weight back." To which I say: If you think you "did Atkins" then you didn't. Because Atkins is a lifelong plan. There is no "did" there is only "doing" and if you aren't "doing" it then you didn't do it - so you can't blame a plan you didn't follow when you gain back your weight. To whose who say "low carb didn't work for me", I ask the following questions: Which plan did you use - was it truly low carb or a "bandwagon" plan? Were you 100% faithful to the instructions? Did you cheat even a little? Did you lose weight and then gain it back again, so you consider the plan is what failed? Did you try a different low carb plan that maintains the tenets of true low carb eating but in a slightly different way? I understand that every low carb doesn't work for every body but before you blame the way of eating (WOE), make sure it was followed, 100%, perfectly, all the time. A car won't run if you do everything right, except decide that it won't hurt, just this once, if you don't fill the gas tank. You can't blame the car for not working then, can you?
Second. If you are doing low carb - properly doing low carb - you don't need to do low fat. In fact, you SHOULDN'T avoid fats, for several reasons:
(a) Your body needs energy at the ready and can get this quick energy for its functions from either fats, or from carbs. Protein needs to go through processes (which themselves use energy) to be utilized. If you are robbing your body of both of the "quick" energy sources it needs, you can really mess yourself up.
(b) Omitting both fats and carbs from your diet means you will have a much lower caloric intake. That's good, right? WRONG! We all know that when you lower your caloric intake you will send your body into "starvation mode" where your metabolism slows, you burn even fewer calories, and weight loss becomes increasingly difficult. If you eat fats, you keep that from happening.
(c) Your liver needs fat to burn fat. If you're expecting to burn off body fat without stoking it, you will be sorely disappointed.
Low carb eating causes certain physiological and chemical changes which is what makes it so excellent for weight loss, blood sugar control, blood pressure control, better blood lipid levels (HDL/LDL/triglycerides/cholesterol levels/etc. on your reports), and resolution of numerous other health issues. If you are eating carby foods - sugary fruits, pastas, grains, etc. - then you are preventing these changes that are the key to success. Your choice of course...but don't call it low carb eating and then claim that low carb failed you when it didn't work.
And a few general comments:
1 - Forget what you think you know about weight loss, what you've read and heard over the years about counting calories, how bad fat is, that you have to go hungry, etc. That isn't low carb advice, and people following it for the last few decades is why 95% of diets fail, and our population is getting fatter. Forget all of it, it doesn't apply to low carb eating.
2 - If you're not following a low carb WOE, don't tell people you are. If you claim low carb, yet eat sugar-laden (even natural sugars!) or grain-based foods for energy, then you're not doing low carb.
3 - Remember that the key to low carb eating is in keeping your carb intake low - hence the name of the plan. Not keeping your calories low, not keeping your fat intake low - it's about the carbs. Don't thwart the plan; it works when it's followed.
4 - You will fail if you don't give your body what it needs. It doesn't need all those carbs. It needs fat, it needs protein. If you don't provide fats and proteins (in that order), it will soon demand them, and you will fail. This isn't an opinion.
MOST IMPORTANTLY, if you are "dieting" to lose weight, and then go back to eating the way that made you fat in the first place, you will get fat again. It's simple. Follow an actual low carb plan. Don't deprive your body of the fats and protein it needs. Get your carbs from vegetables (not the starchy ones!). Eat until you're satisfied. Don't let yourself get so hungry you'll eat anything you can lay your hands on. Don't stuff yourself. Don't go cheat on your low carb plan, and don't go back to your old ways of eating. If you are following a low carb WOE faithfully, and if you are allowing your body to change how it gets its energy (from body fat instead of carbs), you will be successful, you will be healthy, and you will not have to say, "Low carb doesn't work."
First and foremost: There are lots of people who say, "Low carb didn't work for me" or "I did Atkins once but I gained all the weight back." To which I say: If you think you "did Atkins" then you didn't. Because Atkins is a lifelong plan. There is no "did" there is only "doing" and if you aren't "doing" it then you didn't do it - so you can't blame a plan you didn't follow when you gain back your weight. To whose who say "low carb didn't work for me", I ask the following questions: Which plan did you use - was it truly low carb or a "bandwagon" plan? Were you 100% faithful to the instructions? Did you cheat even a little? Did you lose weight and then gain it back again, so you consider the plan is what failed? Did you try a different low carb plan that maintains the tenets of true low carb eating but in a slightly different way? I understand that every low carb doesn't work for every body but before you blame the way of eating (WOE), make sure it was followed, 100%, perfectly, all the time. A car won't run if you do everything right, except decide that it won't hurt, just this once, if you don't fill the gas tank. You can't blame the car for not working then, can you?
Second. If you are doing low carb - properly doing low carb - you don't need to do low fat. In fact, you SHOULDN'T avoid fats, for several reasons:
(a) Your body needs energy at the ready and can get this quick energy for its functions from either fats, or from carbs. Protein needs to go through processes (which themselves use energy) to be utilized. If you are robbing your body of both of the "quick" energy sources it needs, you can really mess yourself up.
(b) Omitting both fats and carbs from your diet means you will have a much lower caloric intake. That's good, right? WRONG! We all know that when you lower your caloric intake you will send your body into "starvation mode" where your metabolism slows, you burn even fewer calories, and weight loss becomes increasingly difficult. If you eat fats, you keep that from happening.
(c) Your liver needs fat to burn fat. If you're expecting to burn off body fat without stoking it, you will be sorely disappointed.
Low carb eating causes certain physiological and chemical changes which is what makes it so excellent for weight loss, blood sugar control, blood pressure control, better blood lipid levels (HDL/LDL/triglycerides/cholesterol levels/etc. on your reports), and resolution of numerous other health issues. If you are eating carby foods - sugary fruits, pastas, grains, etc. - then you are preventing these changes that are the key to success. Your choice of course...but don't call it low carb eating and then claim that low carb failed you when it didn't work.
And a few general comments:
1 - Forget what you think you know about weight loss, what you've read and heard over the years about counting calories, how bad fat is, that you have to go hungry, etc. That isn't low carb advice, and people following it for the last few decades is why 95% of diets fail, and our population is getting fatter. Forget all of it, it doesn't apply to low carb eating.
2 - If you're not following a low carb WOE, don't tell people you are. If you claim low carb, yet eat sugar-laden (even natural sugars!) or grain-based foods for energy, then you're not doing low carb.
3 - Remember that the key to low carb eating is in keeping your carb intake low - hence the name of the plan. Not keeping your calories low, not keeping your fat intake low - it's about the carbs. Don't thwart the plan; it works when it's followed.
4 - You will fail if you don't give your body what it needs. It doesn't need all those carbs. It needs fat, it needs protein. If you don't provide fats and proteins (in that order), it will soon demand them, and you will fail. This isn't an opinion.
MOST IMPORTANTLY, if you are "dieting" to lose weight, and then go back to eating the way that made you fat in the first place, you will get fat again. It's simple. Follow an actual low carb plan. Don't deprive your body of the fats and protein it needs. Get your carbs from vegetables (not the starchy ones!). Eat until you're satisfied. Don't let yourself get so hungry you'll eat anything you can lay your hands on. Don't stuff yourself. Don't go cheat on your low carb plan, and don't go back to your old ways of eating. If you are following a low carb WOE faithfully, and if you are allowing your body to change how it gets its energy (from body fat instead of carbs), you will be successful, you will be healthy, and you will not have to say, "Low carb doesn't work."
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
It Is Finished
Today I shipped the last of my orders from Itty Bitty Birdie Bites. All that's left is the inventory, changing the index page on my website, and a good cry. 8 years ago it was a germ of an idea, cheered on by bird-owning friends and acquaintances on the 'net, enthusiastic about the possibilities after offering my gourmet bird food-treats to their own birds.
It started in my kitchen after lots of prayer, just something to do while my husband worked nights, to kill at least a couple of lonely evenings each week. Before long, it was "killing" every lonely night, then the days. I added more products, each as well received as the ones before it, until I had more than a dozen. After a few short years I outgrew my space, and spent the next year planning the perfect custom kitchen in which to produce my creations.
Selling my home and moving my family to a more suitable home where I could build my "shop" as it came to be called, Itty Bitty Birdie Bites continued to grow and add products. By now I was selling through quality online vendors across the US, from Alaska to Florida and from Arizona to Virginia, plus Canada. I was shipping internationally on a regular basis. My lovely "shop" became my second home where I sometimes worked all day and half the night. It was my happy place, as my friend Roxanne noted.
Things were changing though. I developed arthritis in my spine which made the bending, lifting, and twisting painful...but not painful enough for me to give it up. No, I planned to continue making my food-treats forever. I gradually lost sight in one eye, totally skewing my depth perception which caused numerous cuts and burns to myself, as well as misjudging distances that left my expensive organic ingredients as well as the result of my hard work on the floor, and me in tears...
Then last fall something happened in my head. It looked like a stroke, acted like a stroke, and left me with a different brain and different abilities than I'd had before; those close to me see me as a different person than I was before. Doctors called it a "cerebrovascular event" (as opposed to a cerebrovascular accident - a true stroke) and told me that I'd be back to normal within 6 months. Meanwhile, I struggled with any processes involving math, analysis, organization, and multitasking - the very things required to do what I did. Added to my spinal pain and loss of vision, it became impossible to get through day-to-day operations, to do the things that previously I could have done in my sleep, let alone manage accounting and inventory. Mistakes and injuries became daily occurances...
In short, I had to accept the fact that I was no longer the same person I'd been in 2001, and I no longer had the abilities required to continue my dream. And so, as of May 31st, my doors are closed. I grieve when I go into my shop now, it's no longer my happy place because there are no dreams left there. I'm continuing one of my products only, until a friend can take it over - something that doesn't require cooking or cutting, and hopefully I can still do. I've already accepted that even this one product isn't mine anymore.
As a Christian, from the first I acknowledged God's leading in everything, and numerous - no, constant - acts of God as He guided me and I followed His lead. I never could have done this myself, and it has been my way to serve Him and, through my dealings with others, shine His light. I know that He's not going to let it all end here, that He has something else in His plans for my life and will reveal it in His time. And I will embrace the opportunity to serve the Savior I love so deeply. For now, I think He's giving me time to grieve, enveloped in His loving arms...
It started in my kitchen after lots of prayer, just something to do while my husband worked nights, to kill at least a couple of lonely evenings each week. Before long, it was "killing" every lonely night, then the days. I added more products, each as well received as the ones before it, until I had more than a dozen. After a few short years I outgrew my space, and spent the next year planning the perfect custom kitchen in which to produce my creations.
Selling my home and moving my family to a more suitable home where I could build my "shop" as it came to be called, Itty Bitty Birdie Bites continued to grow and add products. By now I was selling through quality online vendors across the US, from Alaska to Florida and from Arizona to Virginia, plus Canada. I was shipping internationally on a regular basis. My lovely "shop" became my second home where I sometimes worked all day and half the night. It was my happy place, as my friend Roxanne noted.
Things were changing though. I developed arthritis in my spine which made the bending, lifting, and twisting painful...but not painful enough for me to give it up. No, I planned to continue making my food-treats forever. I gradually lost sight in one eye, totally skewing my depth perception which caused numerous cuts and burns to myself, as well as misjudging distances that left my expensive organic ingredients as well as the result of my hard work on the floor, and me in tears...
Then last fall something happened in my head. It looked like a stroke, acted like a stroke, and left me with a different brain and different abilities than I'd had before; those close to me see me as a different person than I was before. Doctors called it a "cerebrovascular event" (as opposed to a cerebrovascular accident - a true stroke) and told me that I'd be back to normal within 6 months. Meanwhile, I struggled with any processes involving math, analysis, organization, and multitasking - the very things required to do what I did. Added to my spinal pain and loss of vision, it became impossible to get through day-to-day operations, to do the things that previously I could have done in my sleep, let alone manage accounting and inventory. Mistakes and injuries became daily occurances...
In short, I had to accept the fact that I was no longer the same person I'd been in 2001, and I no longer had the abilities required to continue my dream. And so, as of May 31st, my doors are closed. I grieve when I go into my shop now, it's no longer my happy place because there are no dreams left there. I'm continuing one of my products only, until a friend can take it over - something that doesn't require cooking or cutting, and hopefully I can still do. I've already accepted that even this one product isn't mine anymore.
As a Christian, from the first I acknowledged God's leading in everything, and numerous - no, constant - acts of God as He guided me and I followed His lead. I never could have done this myself, and it has been my way to serve Him and, through my dealings with others, shine His light. I know that He's not going to let it all end here, that He has something else in His plans for my life and will reveal it in His time. And I will embrace the opportunity to serve the Savior I love so deeply. For now, I think He's giving me time to grieve, enveloped in His loving arms...
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Jon & Kate Plus 8 - Everybody Has an Opinion!
This is the first thing I want to say: Nobody - NOBODY - knows what is going on inside of Jon & Kate's marriage except Jon & Kate. They are the only ones who can make choices regarding their marriage or their family.
Like everyone else, however, I have some thoughts about what I've read and seen. Much of it may be propaganda put out by TLC for the sake of ratings (read: $$$$$). Everything we see on TV, or read in the media, or hear has some sort of a spin.
And so, given the less-than-reliable information that I have, here are some thoughts.
Jon wants freedom from his responsibilities. Kate believes she is thriving in the limelight. Jon doesn't want to work at home. Kate wanted him at home. Jon can't live with the limelight. Kate loves the travelling and schmoozing. Jon talks about what he wants/needs...Kate talks about what she wants/needs...last night there was a whole lot of "me" talk and no "we" talk.
Someone tweeted last night, "If you knew that what you're doing was making your spouse miserable, would you continue to do it?" (my paraphrase) That's it in a nutshell. A marriage that is about "I want/need" is a marriage doomed to failure. A marriage where what is important to one spouse is ignored or ridiculed by the other hasn't a chance. A marriage where each - or even one - partner is out for self above other can't survive.
Marriage isn't 50-50. Marriage is 100-100. Each partner giving 100% to the other, looking out for the interests and good of the other, 100% of the time. In a Christian marriage, a husband is to be willing to give up everything, even his life, for his wife, while his wife is to submit to the authority of her husband as her husband in turns submits to the authority of Christ. When the divine commandments for a godly marriage, as outlined clearly in the Word, aren't heeded, a marriage can't be a Christian marriage. It can be a marriage of course, but not a godly one.
That the Gosselins have proclaimed their faith in public so frequently over the years and then have just as publicly failed to live by the Word is heavy on my heart. I don't judge them for it, I can't as I have also failed - just not as publicly. Every Christian has failed in some area of life - and usually in many. If we didn't have such fallible self-will, there would have been no need for a Savior. That the Gosselins have shown their fallibility in such a public way, and that the media wolves (including TLC) have gleefully circled them in their personal pain and failures is worse than any mistake that either Jon or Kate has made. To watch a fragile marriage struggle so painfully, and to know that what you are doing is contributing to the potential breakup of a family, yet still continue for the sake of money...shame on you! And to those who demand that the intimate details of private lives be made public, sending the media wolves in for the kill...shame on you!
I pray daily for them. They are real people, and a real couple, struggling against huge odds. But the odds are but a speck of dust to a God who is all-powerful and who can heal marriages and families. To make a choice to turn to Him, and to put each other before the lifestyle, the money, the glamor, the fame, the parties, or anything else...to support the other to become a better parent and a better person...to live a life of sacrifice for the sake of one's vows and responsibilities and spouse and children - and for nobody else...those are the things that we all need to live, every day.
I've been asked what would I do if I were in the Gosselins' situation? It has absolutely no bearing on anything, but if my marriage - and therefore my children's well-being and future security and trust and values - were in peril I would do anything to save it. I would take my family out of the public eye, take my show off the air, put us back into humble accomodations where our reliance is on God and on each other, and where we could be just a family, and not a phenomenon. That's what I say now, not walking in their shoes. Maybe I would find that the lure of money and fame and parties and servants would become more important to me than my vows or my commitments or my love for Christ, and I, too, would rationalize my actions to try and make them sound acceptable. (I always taught my daughter one simple fact: if you find yourself trying to make a choice sound like it's the right one, that's your on-target, 100% accurate clue that it is the wrong choice.) But none of us really knows what we'd do in another's shoes, do we.
And nobody can know...except Jon & Kate.
Like everyone else, however, I have some thoughts about what I've read and seen. Much of it may be propaganda put out by TLC for the sake of ratings (read: $$$$$). Everything we see on TV, or read in the media, or hear has some sort of a spin.
And so, given the less-than-reliable information that I have, here are some thoughts.
Jon wants freedom from his responsibilities. Kate believes she is thriving in the limelight. Jon doesn't want to work at home. Kate wanted him at home. Jon can't live with the limelight. Kate loves the travelling and schmoozing. Jon talks about what he wants/needs...Kate talks about what she wants/needs...last night there was a whole lot of "me" talk and no "we" talk.
Someone tweeted last night, "If you knew that what you're doing was making your spouse miserable, would you continue to do it?" (my paraphrase) That's it in a nutshell. A marriage that is about "I want/need" is a marriage doomed to failure. A marriage where what is important to one spouse is ignored or ridiculed by the other hasn't a chance. A marriage where each - or even one - partner is out for self above other can't survive.
Marriage isn't 50-50. Marriage is 100-100. Each partner giving 100% to the other, looking out for the interests and good of the other, 100% of the time. In a Christian marriage, a husband is to be willing to give up everything, even his life, for his wife, while his wife is to submit to the authority of her husband as her husband in turns submits to the authority of Christ. When the divine commandments for a godly marriage, as outlined clearly in the Word, aren't heeded, a marriage can't be a Christian marriage. It can be a marriage of course, but not a godly one.
That the Gosselins have proclaimed their faith in public so frequently over the years and then have just as publicly failed to live by the Word is heavy on my heart. I don't judge them for it, I can't as I have also failed - just not as publicly. Every Christian has failed in some area of life - and usually in many. If we didn't have such fallible self-will, there would have been no need for a Savior. That the Gosselins have shown their fallibility in such a public way, and that the media wolves (including TLC) have gleefully circled them in their personal pain and failures is worse than any mistake that either Jon or Kate has made. To watch a fragile marriage struggle so painfully, and to know that what you are doing is contributing to the potential breakup of a family, yet still continue for the sake of money...shame on you! And to those who demand that the intimate details of private lives be made public, sending the media wolves in for the kill...shame on you!
I pray daily for them. They are real people, and a real couple, struggling against huge odds. But the odds are but a speck of dust to a God who is all-powerful and who can heal marriages and families. To make a choice to turn to Him, and to put each other before the lifestyle, the money, the glamor, the fame, the parties, or anything else...to support the other to become a better parent and a better person...to live a life of sacrifice for the sake of one's vows and responsibilities and spouse and children - and for nobody else...those are the things that we all need to live, every day.
I've been asked what would I do if I were in the Gosselins' situation? It has absolutely no bearing on anything, but if my marriage - and therefore my children's well-being and future security and trust and values - were in peril I would do anything to save it. I would take my family out of the public eye, take my show off the air, put us back into humble accomodations where our reliance is on God and on each other, and where we could be just a family, and not a phenomenon. That's what I say now, not walking in their shoes. Maybe I would find that the lure of money and fame and parties and servants would become more important to me than my vows or my commitments or my love for Christ, and I, too, would rationalize my actions to try and make them sound acceptable. (I always taught my daughter one simple fact: if you find yourself trying to make a choice sound like it's the right one, that's your on-target, 100% accurate clue that it is the wrong choice.) But none of us really knows what we'd do in another's shoes, do we.
And nobody can know...except Jon & Kate.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Life Changes
So many things have changed, and I need to accommodate them. Probably the most impacting are the changes in my brain from when I didn't have a stroke last fall. (Signs of stroke, changes in brain, but since it can't be seen with local imaging techniques the original diagnosis was downgraded to a cerebro-vascular incident, rather than accident, which is stroke.) All of that is old news, but after spending the last 8 months waiting to see if the brain changes would go away and I'd get my old brain back, then fighting them, I'm admitting defeat. I can't do the things I used to do. I've got a constant feeling of mental chaos that increases quickly under certain circumstances, making it impossible to think or act, and have lost mental math abilities, analytical abilities, and multi-tasking abilities - all of which had previously been my mental strong suits. I built a business with those abilities, and their use dictated my approach to life, and how I handled everyday tasks.
People tell me, "Well you seem ok to me!" or "Oh that happens to me all the time, don't worry about it!" or "It could have been worse, thank your lucky stars!" Even if I believed in "lucky stars", that doesn't help me to adapt. Whether I seem "ok" to others - especially those who don't spend a lot of time with me (my close family can see how different I am since that day) - is irrelevent. I know my old brain, and I know my new brain, and I know the difference.
Added to that is the blessing of my teenage daughter moving back home after being deserted by her husband a couple of weeks before their baby was due...the desertion and broken vows is a horrible thing for her, and in NO WAY a blessing. But that she's home again where she can heal with the love and support of her family is a blessing for all of us, to say nothing of her sweet precious baby who has brought joy and innocence to our home. But of course that is another major change, on top of the brain thing...a change that is impacting all of us on a huge level - not a bad level, just a huge one.
So I have to change. The business which I started building nearly 8 years ago, I can no longer run. With the visual perception issues as I lost sight in one eye in addition to the brain issues, I've found it impossible to function in almost any of my capacities: production, inventory/supply ordering, bookkeeping tasks, etc. I've managed to muddle through but the mistakes have been costly, and the physical injuries (burns and cuts mostly) are more than I'm willing to continue to inflict upon myself. I will soon be closing my business, as a result.
We've also changed churches, and found a smaller, quieter country-type church to attend and, hopefully, serve. While our former church was a great congregation, there were also pressures, and that's not something that I can handle anymore. Pressure and chaos around me are the 2 things that will start that mental paralysis (for lack of a better term...I don't mean to sound dramatic). It isn't that I don't want to serve or worship with my brothers and sisters in Christ; it is simply that I can't do so in the same big way that I previously did. But no worries there, God is still opening doors to opportunities for me! Just different ones.
I will also be making my escape place. Since I won't be using my shop to the degree that I have been since it was built for my business, I am dividing it. I will keep a smaller kitchen so that I can still make foods for my birds and maintain a small portion of my product line (only one product actually) temporarily on a very small scale. The rest of the shop will be torn down to make room for my keyboard and music and some comfortable furniture (will double as a guest room); it will be where I can escape and regroup when the activities of the house are too much and I start to scramble upstairs, and also where I can do my seasonal phone job without interruption or confusion. I may decide to put another television back here as well, so that any of us can use it as additional living space when I'm not occupying it myself.
All of these things impact my family as well - my husband most of all. He's had times where he's not sure what I've needed or how he can help me, and I can't tell him because I'm still figuring it out. He's had to put his own needs on hold to accomodate mine, which is usually the way of marriage in the same way that a ping pong ball can't be on both sides of the table at the same time. I'm ever-mindful of his sacrifices for me, and also my desire to do more for him and put him at the center of my thoughts instead of off to the side, my self-involvement with my own issues pushing him there. It doesn't come easily anymore, my struggles have taken energy that I'd rather devote to him and to our marriage...
Giving up my business and leaving our much-loved church are probably the 2 biggest changes I have been forced to make. Creating an escape/quiet place for myself is another that is a necessary but positive change. Taking the time to accomodate my "new normal" rather than fighting it - as I have been - is something I'm working on. Blessings continue to flow, as always, as I strive to honor Christ and serve God in all I do. He protected my ability to make music through this, and I will make more time for that. I'm in a position of having no choice about some things, but in the end it will all be good. I have to believe that, like finding my new normal, I will find a new contentment with life.
People tell me, "Well you seem ok to me!" or "Oh that happens to me all the time, don't worry about it!" or "It could have been worse, thank your lucky stars!" Even if I believed in "lucky stars", that doesn't help me to adapt. Whether I seem "ok" to others - especially those who don't spend a lot of time with me (my close family can see how different I am since that day) - is irrelevent. I know my old brain, and I know my new brain, and I know the difference.
Added to that is the blessing of my teenage daughter moving back home after being deserted by her husband a couple of weeks before their baby was due...the desertion and broken vows is a horrible thing for her, and in NO WAY a blessing. But that she's home again where she can heal with the love and support of her family is a blessing for all of us, to say nothing of her sweet precious baby who has brought joy and innocence to our home. But of course that is another major change, on top of the brain thing...a change that is impacting all of us on a huge level - not a bad level, just a huge one.
So I have to change. The business which I started building nearly 8 years ago, I can no longer run. With the visual perception issues as I lost sight in one eye in addition to the brain issues, I've found it impossible to function in almost any of my capacities: production, inventory/supply ordering, bookkeeping tasks, etc. I've managed to muddle through but the mistakes have been costly, and the physical injuries (burns and cuts mostly) are more than I'm willing to continue to inflict upon myself. I will soon be closing my business, as a result.
We've also changed churches, and found a smaller, quieter country-type church to attend and, hopefully, serve. While our former church was a great congregation, there were also pressures, and that's not something that I can handle anymore. Pressure and chaos around me are the 2 things that will start that mental paralysis (for lack of a better term...I don't mean to sound dramatic). It isn't that I don't want to serve or worship with my brothers and sisters in Christ; it is simply that I can't do so in the same big way that I previously did. But no worries there, God is still opening doors to opportunities for me! Just different ones.
I will also be making my escape place. Since I won't be using my shop to the degree that I have been since it was built for my business, I am dividing it. I will keep a smaller kitchen so that I can still make foods for my birds and maintain a small portion of my product line (only one product actually) temporarily on a very small scale. The rest of the shop will be torn down to make room for my keyboard and music and some comfortable furniture (will double as a guest room); it will be where I can escape and regroup when the activities of the house are too much and I start to scramble upstairs, and also where I can do my seasonal phone job without interruption or confusion. I may decide to put another television back here as well, so that any of us can use it as additional living space when I'm not occupying it myself.
All of these things impact my family as well - my husband most of all. He's had times where he's not sure what I've needed or how he can help me, and I can't tell him because I'm still figuring it out. He's had to put his own needs on hold to accomodate mine, which is usually the way of marriage in the same way that a ping pong ball can't be on both sides of the table at the same time. I'm ever-mindful of his sacrifices for me, and also my desire to do more for him and put him at the center of my thoughts instead of off to the side, my self-involvement with my own issues pushing him there. It doesn't come easily anymore, my struggles have taken energy that I'd rather devote to him and to our marriage...
Giving up my business and leaving our much-loved church are probably the 2 biggest changes I have been forced to make. Creating an escape/quiet place for myself is another that is a necessary but positive change. Taking the time to accomodate my "new normal" rather than fighting it - as I have been - is something I'm working on. Blessings continue to flow, as always, as I strive to honor Christ and serve God in all I do. He protected my ability to make music through this, and I will make more time for that. I'm in a position of having no choice about some things, but in the end it will all be good. I have to believe that, like finding my new normal, I will find a new contentment with life.
Monday, May 11, 2009
My Most Excellent Low Carb Mother's Day Feast!
Got raves from all for dinner yesterday!
Rubbed a pork tenderloin (about 5#) with garlic powder, chili powder, S&P, and rosemary; roasted covered for 2 hours @ 325, then uncovered for 30 minutes @ 350. Rub made a nice crust!
Tossed chunks of frozen cauli, broccoli, zucchini, yellow squash, and carrots (I didn't eat carrots) with oil, garlic salt, dried onion, and italian seasoning blend, then roasted in an uncovered baking dish for the last half hour with the pork, stirring once.
Made Sam's napa cabbage salad (http://www.thecookingguy.com/cookbook/recipe.php?id=113) with a few changes: made my own dressing with dijon mustard, oil, and sweetener; used feta cheese instead of blue cheese; cooked thinly-sliced onion with the mushrooms.
We don't eat desserts typically.
The whole meal was a huge hit, and looked very fancy even though it required very little work and left me lots of time with my guests! Nobody missed the bread or potatoes :).
Monday, May 4, 2009
Church and Stuff
It is interesting that, even when we think we know what we want, God knows better. Not surprising of course, just interesting, especially when it happens so blatantly in our lives.
We've been attending, involved with, and became members of a church outside of a nearby town. We have been in love with everything about it; fantastic music...great, and at times almost mesmerizing teaching...wonderful fellowship...myriad opportunities for service...community involvement... Yes, every church body has flaws, as they're all made of people, and people have flaws; if we didn't there would be no need for a Savior. And we know that. But as I was saying, this was about as close to a perfect church body for us as we were ever going to find and we had no hesitation throwing ourselves fully into activities there and supporting the pastor and membership in any way that we could.
Why we started contemplating a change of churches isn't up for discussion, is a private matter, and there's no need to comment on that here. Nothing horrible about the church. But we did decide to once again visit a few churches in our own town. We'd visited most of them 3 years ago when we moved here, and didn't find anything to our liking. We wanted open and friendly people who were sincere, not "church people". We wanted lively contemporary music. We wanted an active youth group. We wanted opportunities for service, and a place where our tithes would be used productively and carefully.
Well at that time we'd visited "our" church in the nearby town a few times, then wanted to look for something closer. We didn't find what we were looking for, though. We heard pastors droning in a monotone, almost bored, rote prayer for God to "light a fire under us". We heard blue-haired ladies churning out old hymns while the congregation yawned between verses. (Nothing wrong with old hymns...in fact, there's everything RIGHT about them! It wasn't the hymns that were causing the yawns.) We got lots of greetings from people with their church faces on who enthusiastically shook our hands, then ignored us as they huddled in their holy cliques and never acknowledged us again. We got "the look" when we happened to sit in the wrong pew, where someone had already laid a claim. And we never went back to any of them. Except the church in the next town, where we didn't experience any of the above. And it suited our needs for the next 2-1/2 years, perfectly.
So for the last few months we've been praying about our place in a church body, which church body, and where, and decided to re-visit some of the churches from 3 years ago as well as visit any we'd missed the first time around.
Yesterday we went to a small church we'd never attended. I'm going to guess maybe 20 people there. Most congregants were middle- to retirement-age. But friendly enough. All 40 eyes of course turned to us as we walked in the door of the small - ok, tiny - sanctuary, so I smiled and made a comment to all that yes, we were new, and asked about seating arrangements. We like to sit right up front, and were informed that "nobody ever sits up there!" to which I replied, "Well, we do!" in my typically friendly forthright manner.
The singing was lacking in enthusiasm, done with a tape or CD playing. Old hymns. No live instruments; the piano sat forlornly pushed up against a wall. Various congregants came to the front (a couple of dozen steps, max, from anywhere they were sitting) to read a Bible verse from a piece of paper between each hymn. Then the pastor prayed, and told God a whole bunch of stuff that God already knows; I got the impression that he had already started his sermon, cloaked in the guise of a prayer. But parts of the prayer touched my heart and I found my heart pulled to agree with him. Nobody spoke during the prayer, there were no "Yes Lord"s or "Amen"s uttered until he finished with, "And the people said..." Then there was a group "amen".
The sermon was read from a stack of half-sheets of notes. I would say that the pastor spent equal amounts of time looking down at his notes, and looking up at the people to whom he was speaking. It wasn't, by any stretch of the imagination, fiery :). But it was unique. He based his sermon on a well-known story out of Luke; we've all heard sermons on the same theme before. But this was different. He brought out points that we'd never considered or thought about. He put a perfectly different twist on it, and talked about the more subtle parts of the Scripture portion, parts that have always passed unconsidered in previous readings or sermons we'd heard. I was, in spite of the unpretentious presentation, totally drawn in...
Then he stopped talking. And it was over. People just got up from their seats and started mingling. No final hymn or other indication that the 35-minute service had ended. He just stopped talking and that was it.
We were invited to share in some coffee or tea or hot chocolate and cookies. Pete chatted with a few of the men who introduced themselves and shook his hand. I managed to engage one of the women in conversation as I poured a cup of coffee. Quite a few of the women spoke to my daughter, admiring her 3-1/2 week old baby. The pastor came over and spoke with us a bit as well, and said he was really glad we'd come. We learned that "just about everybody" there was related. Rather than wait to be approached, I approached a few of the ladies and asked their names.
After about 10 minutes, the ladies sat down at one table to have their after-meetin' fellowship, and the men to another. We didn't force ourselves into their groups but I wouldn't have hesitated to sit down with them, and I think we would have been welcomed, if not enthusiastically, if we had. But we had other things to do, so we left. As we were going, we saw the pastor also leave. I learned later, by doing a little googling, that he is also the pastor of another church in another town in our county.
It was maybe what we expected. It was any the things we were looking for. And, after we got into the car, Pete and I both felt strangely drawn to this little congregation that uses canned music and copious notes. It isn't what we've said wanted. But God knows better. We'll go back.
We've been attending, involved with, and became members of a church outside of a nearby town. We have been in love with everything about it; fantastic music...great, and at times almost mesmerizing teaching...wonderful fellowship...myriad opportunities for service...community involvement... Yes, every church body has flaws, as they're all made of people, and people have flaws; if we didn't there would be no need for a Savior. And we know that. But as I was saying, this was about as close to a perfect church body for us as we were ever going to find and we had no hesitation throwing ourselves fully into activities there and supporting the pastor and membership in any way that we could.
Why we started contemplating a change of churches isn't up for discussion, is a private matter, and there's no need to comment on that here. Nothing horrible about the church. But we did decide to once again visit a few churches in our own town. We'd visited most of them 3 years ago when we moved here, and didn't find anything to our liking. We wanted open and friendly people who were sincere, not "church people". We wanted lively contemporary music. We wanted an active youth group. We wanted opportunities for service, and a place where our tithes would be used productively and carefully.
Well at that time we'd visited "our" church in the nearby town a few times, then wanted to look for something closer. We didn't find what we were looking for, though. We heard pastors droning in a monotone, almost bored, rote prayer for God to "light a fire under us". We heard blue-haired ladies churning out old hymns while the congregation yawned between verses. (Nothing wrong with old hymns...in fact, there's everything RIGHT about them! It wasn't the hymns that were causing the yawns.) We got lots of greetings from people with their church faces on who enthusiastically shook our hands, then ignored us as they huddled in their holy cliques and never acknowledged us again. We got "the look" when we happened to sit in the wrong pew, where someone had already laid a claim. And we never went back to any of them. Except the church in the next town, where we didn't experience any of the above. And it suited our needs for the next 2-1/2 years, perfectly.
So for the last few months we've been praying about our place in a church body, which church body, and where, and decided to re-visit some of the churches from 3 years ago as well as visit any we'd missed the first time around.
Yesterday we went to a small church we'd never attended. I'm going to guess maybe 20 people there. Most congregants were middle- to retirement-age. But friendly enough. All 40 eyes of course turned to us as we walked in the door of the small - ok, tiny - sanctuary, so I smiled and made a comment to all that yes, we were new, and asked about seating arrangements. We like to sit right up front, and were informed that "nobody ever sits up there!" to which I replied, "Well, we do!" in my typically friendly forthright manner.
The singing was lacking in enthusiasm, done with a tape or CD playing. Old hymns. No live instruments; the piano sat forlornly pushed up against a wall. Various congregants came to the front (a couple of dozen steps, max, from anywhere they were sitting) to read a Bible verse from a piece of paper between each hymn. Then the pastor prayed, and told God a whole bunch of stuff that God already knows; I got the impression that he had already started his sermon, cloaked in the guise of a prayer. But parts of the prayer touched my heart and I found my heart pulled to agree with him. Nobody spoke during the prayer, there were no "Yes Lord"s or "Amen"s uttered until he finished with, "And the people said..." Then there was a group "amen".
The sermon was read from a stack of half-sheets of notes. I would say that the pastor spent equal amounts of time looking down at his notes, and looking up at the people to whom he was speaking. It wasn't, by any stretch of the imagination, fiery :). But it was unique. He based his sermon on a well-known story out of Luke; we've all heard sermons on the same theme before. But this was different. He brought out points that we'd never considered or thought about. He put a perfectly different twist on it, and talked about the more subtle parts of the Scripture portion, parts that have always passed unconsidered in previous readings or sermons we'd heard. I was, in spite of the unpretentious presentation, totally drawn in...
Then he stopped talking. And it was over. People just got up from their seats and started mingling. No final hymn or other indication that the 35-minute service had ended. He just stopped talking and that was it.
We were invited to share in some coffee or tea or hot chocolate and cookies. Pete chatted with a few of the men who introduced themselves and shook his hand. I managed to engage one of the women in conversation as I poured a cup of coffee. Quite a few of the women spoke to my daughter, admiring her 3-1/2 week old baby. The pastor came over and spoke with us a bit as well, and said he was really glad we'd come. We learned that "just about everybody" there was related. Rather than wait to be approached, I approached a few of the ladies and asked their names.
After about 10 minutes, the ladies sat down at one table to have their after-meetin' fellowship, and the men to another. We didn't force ourselves into their groups but I wouldn't have hesitated to sit down with them, and I think we would have been welcomed, if not enthusiastically, if we had. But we had other things to do, so we left. As we were going, we saw the pastor also leave. I learned later, by doing a little googling, that he is also the pastor of another church in another town in our county.
It was maybe what we expected. It was any the things we were looking for. And, after we got into the car, Pete and I both felt strangely drawn to this little congregation that uses canned music and copious notes. It isn't what we've said wanted. But God knows better. We'll go back.
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