As a young adult I was shy and unassuming - great fun at a party where I knew everyone, but in public and in my work life, very quiet and overly tolerant of things that I shouldn't have had to put up with. By my mid-20's I decided I was going to change. It was a conscious decision. I determined that every time I had a choice between assertiveness and shyness, I was going to choose the former, no matter what. It was a matter of will - and I won.
I spent the next 25 years as a confident, friendly, assertive, controlled woman. I was someone I liked and even admired, able to accomplish whatever I set my mind to do, knowing how to handle people and situations that weren't to my advantage, turning them so that they were when appropriate. I was in charge of myself and my environment, while always being respectful of others. I started a successful business, managed a couple of different careers successfully, and liked being in my own skin.
This is who I was when I met, and later married, Pete. But as time went on I developed the health issues I've already talked about, and found myself - of necessity - becoming more and more dependent on him. Simply walking on unfamiliar ground has been a hazard for nearly 2 years, since my head tells me a tiny dip or rise is going to throw me off balance, and since my eyes - well, eye - deceives me into believing a dark spot is a black hole or a patterned carpet is 3-dimensional. With too much sensory input (and it doesn't take much to be too much) my brain goes into chaos and I can't focus on anything, and speech patterns become strange. Someone approaching from my blind side, or me running into someone, sends me into a panic - as do crowds, things low to the ground (I have no downward peripheral vision which causes tripping and stumbling, especially with the whole balance thing in my brain since fall 2008)...anyway - even leaving the house has become a nightmare, and being with either Pete or my sister, who are the only ones who "get it" and watch out for me in public places, has been the only way I'm at all comfortable going out. And I haven't even covered the other things that now plague me away from my familiar surroundings...just take my word for it: I've become dependent. Not just in public, but in many ways at home, filling in gaps for me both intellectual and physical in my surroundings.
So today when I mentioned on Facebook that I was taking the minibus to the thrift store with my 15MO grandson, it wasn't just about shopping. Obviously I don't drive at this point, but it wasn't about transportation. It was about stepping out on my own, responsible for a small human that I love more than life itself, and taking the first step in breaking back out of who I've become, on my way to who I was. I didn't have the security of my walker (not only for steadiness/balance issues, but because of pain in my arthritic knees and hips and spine - I lean on it to take off pressure/reduce pain - as well as "feeling" the ground ahead of me that I can't see accurately).
So this was HUGE for me. Just getting out to the bus with my purse, the diaper bag, and the toddler, and getting up the VERY STEEP steps after helping the baby go first (no way could I have gotten up them while carrying him)...then the ride during which I was so anxiety-ridden that my head was splitting, I was nauseated and sure I'd either vomit or pass out - but for the baby on my lap, I probably would have. But I was spinning and reeling in my head and my stomach both...I almost got off at someone else's stop but it was only my determination that kept me going all the way to my destination.
Being in the thrift store, with lots of people around, lots of things to run into and trip over (including other toddlers which I don't see straight in front of me), uneven floor surfaces - that was a whole 'nother challenge. I put the baby in a cart, and was able to steady myself with that as well as "feel" the floor ahead of me. By positioning it on my left - blind - side every time I stopped to look at something, I didn't turn and hit anyone or anything. When I got trapped in a crowded aisle, I worked my way back to the dressing room and closed and locked the door, letting Leelan get some exercise too, until I got myself back in control again.
In short, I adapted and accommodated.
After our shopping, Leelan and I went to the little cafe that is attached and I got him a danish, and a diet pop for us to split. We sat at the table, out of the way of passersby, and I was able to breathe as we just waited for Pete to come and pick us up when he got out of work...
I thought I'd feel better about it after the fact than I do. I thought I'd feel accomplishment and a sense of independence. What I feel is that yes, I did it, and if I can avoid doing it again I will. I hate that I'm so dependent on Pete (or my sister when she's in town), I remember clearly who I was just until a couple of short years ago and want to go back there but I don't really feel that I made any strides to that end today. Maybe I expected too much too soon?
But I did it.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Friday, July 16, 2010
What Is In My Future?
I have so much to say and not even sure where to start or how much to share or even how I feel about it all. But I've been trying to process since Monday, and trying to corral my thoughts has been like trying to herd goats. (For the caprine-challenged, goats don't herd - they scatter.) So I'm thinking that maybe if I just start typing, everything will fall into place and I'll end up with a nice tidy trip (a trip being the correct term for a "herd" of goats...which don't herd but apparently they do trip ).
Monday was the long-awaited appointment with the gut surgeon. I liked him and was impressed by his insight, his manner, and his grasp of my personal situation. He is thinking surgery - of course, being a surgeon - and I knew that would be almost inevitable all the way since my own doctor discussed my issues at length on May 3rd.
From tests, he sees a couple hernias - one rather large and the other just moderate. Both could be causing some of my pain. He said there is a surgical fix for my "high" reflux (the kind that comes out my nose and ears, gets into my trachea and can cause respiratory issues), and that this type of reflux, besides being incredibly painful - which he didn't have to tell me - is the most problematic insofar as really serious resulting health issues go. But there is a fix, and that is the good thing. No, that is the GREAT thing. So between the 2 hernias there is some of my pain.
He also suspects a gall bladder problem. My doc originally mentioned that, but because my pain isn't worse when I eat fats, she apparently dismissed it. But gut-cutter said that isn't necessarily always the case, that my gall bladder can be "sludgy" or just wearing out, and causing more constant pain. This too, would be an easy fix these days. So I'm scheduled for the first of 2 gall bladder tests on the 27th, I'm thinking the 2nd one will be scheduled pending the result of the first but I could be wrong about that.
Before the surgery I guess I have to have a test to check how strong my esophageal peristalsis is because if it isn't strong enough, then I "will never swallow again" which isn't a happy thought to a foodie like me. That could be a potential issue but we'll wait and see what the test may/may not show...
All 3 things could be taken care of with one surgery, and he said that's how he'd do it. I would do ANYTHING to escape the pain and bloating and swelling/hard belly that I'm living with now. Heck, it's so constant that I don't even mention it anymore, who wants to hear a broken record about pain all the time? I won't subject my husband or family or friends to that anymore...but I relish the thought of health, lack of pain, ability to eat, etc.
But here's where things get complicated in my own mind: Gut-cutter said that the difference between the hiatal hernia surgery and the lapband surgery is basically a couple of sutures (and the band itself, I am assuming), and that it is something I should seriously consider since they'll be going in anyway. And this is what causes me a whole lot of consternation.
First, I don't want to lose more weight. I have body issues with the results from the weight I've already lost. I hate HATE the hanging skin, the rashes, the ridiculous amount of time for daily hygiene - all because of the excess skin. And, if gut-cutter is right and I lose another 100-150# (!) then it will only get worse - MUCH worse - and I haven't even mentioned how awful it looks. I'm not vain but I have seen women who have dozens of pounds of saggy flesh hanging all over them, and I don't want to be one. I wonder how they find clothes that fit, and if I'm going to look awful anyway, why don't I just look awful because of my weight? I just have huge issues about all that, and getting it all cut off is not an option, for many reasons...IF insurance would even cover it which most don't anymore.
Second, if I ever DO want to lose weight, I want to lose it at my own pace and my own way. I already know that I just have adjust my macronutrient intake and I lose - or gain. But I can do this myself (yeah yeah, maybe the future will be different...but none of us are even guaranteed a future so that's not part of my equation), and how, when, and how much is up to me.
Third, I am a foodie. Food is a huge part of my life, not just eating but shopping, planning, experimenting, preparing - it is a big chunk of who I am. And it is part of my lifestyle as well. It doesn't matter what I eat as when, with whom, and how I eat. From everything I've read, my eating will be restricted to 3 small meals and no snacks, and I can't drink anything for 45 minutes before or after a meal, or during. HELLO?? I can't imagine eating without a beverage. I can't imagine giving up our popcorn and movie nights as a family or our impromptu mini-meals on the road when we see an interesting place. And I don't want to imagine anything that is going to impact my lifestyle in such a major way. We're not talking about sustenance here - we're talking about the role of food in my lifestyle and even my relationships, a major source of enjoyment.
So if someone judges that food plays the wrong role in my life, or that I eat for the wrong reasons, or whatever - so what? This is how I live, and if that's the case...what's your point? That I change that too? Maybe I should change my taste in music too? The whole point I'm making is - we're not just talking about weight loss here. Yeah, there are obvious health benefits to weight loss - I need to "weigh" the cost though. Do I want to change not only how I eat, but a large part of how I live? If my interest in, and love of, all things food-related (including social) doesn't change but my ability to enjoy it does, is that a good choice for me? Or a freaking nightmare?
Since this will likely be my only opportunity to have any sort of WLS done, the pressure is on, especially from those around me who want - definitely more than I want - to see me lose more weight than I already have chosen to lose.
Definitely I will have the surgery done - definitely I want (or rather, am desperate for) relief. That is just a given, no questions asked. But sticking a band in my belly to control not only how and what I eat, but what I weigh and to take away one of the things that gives me pleasure in my life - do I really want that?
Monday was the long-awaited appointment with the gut surgeon. I liked him and was impressed by his insight, his manner, and his grasp of my personal situation. He is thinking surgery - of course, being a surgeon - and I knew that would be almost inevitable all the way since my own doctor discussed my issues at length on May 3rd.
From tests, he sees a couple hernias - one rather large and the other just moderate. Both could be causing some of my pain. He said there is a surgical fix for my "high" reflux (the kind that comes out my nose and ears, gets into my trachea and can cause respiratory issues), and that this type of reflux, besides being incredibly painful - which he didn't have to tell me - is the most problematic insofar as really serious resulting health issues go. But there is a fix, and that is the good thing. No, that is the GREAT thing. So between the 2 hernias there is some of my pain.
He also suspects a gall bladder problem. My doc originally mentioned that, but because my pain isn't worse when I eat fats, she apparently dismissed it. But gut-cutter said that isn't necessarily always the case, that my gall bladder can be "sludgy" or just wearing out, and causing more constant pain. This too, would be an easy fix these days. So I'm scheduled for the first of 2 gall bladder tests on the 27th, I'm thinking the 2nd one will be scheduled pending the result of the first but I could be wrong about that.
Before the surgery I guess I have to have a test to check how strong my esophageal peristalsis is because if it isn't strong enough, then I "will never swallow again" which isn't a happy thought to a foodie like me. That could be a potential issue but we'll wait and see what the test may/may not show...
All 3 things could be taken care of with one surgery, and he said that's how he'd do it. I would do ANYTHING to escape the pain and bloating and swelling/hard belly that I'm living with now. Heck, it's so constant that I don't even mention it anymore, who wants to hear a broken record about pain all the time? I won't subject my husband or family or friends to that anymore...but I relish the thought of health, lack of pain, ability to eat, etc.
But here's where things get complicated in my own mind: Gut-cutter said that the difference between the hiatal hernia surgery and the lapband surgery is basically a couple of sutures (and the band itself, I am assuming), and that it is something I should seriously consider since they'll be going in anyway. And this is what causes me a whole lot of consternation.
First, I don't want to lose more weight. I have body issues with the results from the weight I've already lost. I hate HATE the hanging skin, the rashes, the ridiculous amount of time for daily hygiene - all because of the excess skin. And, if gut-cutter is right and I lose another 100-150# (!) then it will only get worse - MUCH worse - and I haven't even mentioned how awful it looks. I'm not vain but I have seen women who have dozens of pounds of saggy flesh hanging all over them, and I don't want to be one. I wonder how they find clothes that fit, and if I'm going to look awful anyway, why don't I just look awful because of my weight? I just have huge issues about all that, and getting it all cut off is not an option, for many reasons...IF insurance would even cover it which most don't anymore.
Second, if I ever DO want to lose weight, I want to lose it at my own pace and my own way. I already know that I just have adjust my macronutrient intake and I lose - or gain. But I can do this myself (yeah yeah, maybe the future will be different...but none of us are even guaranteed a future so that's not part of my equation), and how, when, and how much is up to me.
Third, I am a foodie. Food is a huge part of my life, not just eating but shopping, planning, experimenting, preparing - it is a big chunk of who I am. And it is part of my lifestyle as well. It doesn't matter what I eat as when, with whom, and how I eat. From everything I've read, my eating will be restricted to 3 small meals and no snacks, and I can't drink anything for 45 minutes before or after a meal, or during. HELLO?? I can't imagine eating without a beverage. I can't imagine giving up our popcorn and movie nights as a family or our impromptu mini-meals on the road when we see an interesting place. And I don't want to imagine anything that is going to impact my lifestyle in such a major way. We're not talking about sustenance here - we're talking about the role of food in my lifestyle and even my relationships, a major source of enjoyment.
So if someone judges that food plays the wrong role in my life, or that I eat for the wrong reasons, or whatever - so what? This is how I live, and if that's the case...what's your point? That I change that too? Maybe I should change my taste in music too? The whole point I'm making is - we're not just talking about weight loss here. Yeah, there are obvious health benefits to weight loss - I need to "weigh" the cost though. Do I want to change not only how I eat, but a large part of how I live? If my interest in, and love of, all things food-related (including social) doesn't change but my ability to enjoy it does, is that a good choice for me? Or a freaking nightmare?
Since this will likely be my only opportunity to have any sort of WLS done, the pressure is on, especially from those around me who want - definitely more than I want - to see me lose more weight than I already have chosen to lose.
Definitely I will have the surgery done - definitely I want (or rather, am desperate for) relief. That is just a given, no questions asked. But sticking a band in my belly to control not only how and what I eat, but what I weigh and to take away one of the things that gives me pleasure in my life - do I really want that?
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