(NOTE: If you are seeing this on Facebook, please go to my blog - http://chiachatter.blogspot.com - to see my whole post. I don't make my points in the first paragraph, which is all that shows up on my Facebook page :).)
I've already written a lot here almost every day so there isn't much to write about, I just have 2 things, really.
First, I'm about 1/3 of the way through the 100 days. (The surgeon told me it will take a full year to recover completely, but the first 100 days will be "critical" and that I need to go easy on myself during this time. I interpret "go easy" as to rest when I get tired, don't push it when something causes pain, eat what is comfortable in my stomach and no more, and things like that.) I have periods of time when I feel almost normal and go about doing housewifely things and then suddenly I can't do one more thing and have to stop. Right then and there. I simply cannot continue whether or not I want to, or even need to. I'm anticipating that these next couple of months will find me gradually able to do more and more until that doesn't happen anymore.
And I have to once more bring up this depression. I described it to my husband yesterday like this: Yes, I can laugh at a joke, I can carry on a normal conversation, I can put smileys in my emails and FB updates (though I don't feel them these days, they are more like punctuation), I can make myself act and talk normally. I can feel happy about something - such as Pete's new job after all these months of unemployment - but underneath there is a blackness that doesn't go away. It is like a shiny red boat racing across the waves, the sun is shining brightly, the boat is bouncing happily across the lake...but underneath it the water is dark, black even, and icy cold. The boat may be bright and bouncy, but it is surrounded and supported wholly by something dark and cold and ready to devour it at any minute. That is how it is. Exactly.
I talk about my food choices and adapting and how this surgery has changed my diet in my other blog. Between what I've been posting here and there, I think I've given a pretty complete picture of how life has been as it pertains to the nissen fundoplication surgery, and hopefully it will be helpful to someone else who needs this surgery, or has had it and just wants to compare notes.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Friday, December 31, 2010
Almost 2011
(NOTE: If you are seeing this on Facebook, please go to my blog - chiachatter.blogspot.com - to see my whole post. I don't make my points in the first paragraph, which is all that shows up on my Facebook page :).)
For those who celebrate, Happy New Year! If your new start comes at midnight, all the best with that, too :).
I don't see midnight tonight as magical, or really different than any other midnight, just because the calendar flips a year. We don't celebrate it or do anything special on New Year's Eve or on New Year's Day. Life tomorrow will be much like it is today in every way. We can make our new starts every morning, or every noon, or every 2:47 a.m.. The important thing is that we recognize when we need to turn away from old things, and embrace the new - whenever we need to do so.
For those who celebrate, Happy New Year! If your new start comes at midnight, all the best with that, too :).
I don't see midnight tonight as magical, or really different than any other midnight, just because the calendar flips a year. We don't celebrate it or do anything special on New Year's Eve or on New Year's Day. Life tomorrow will be much like it is today in every way. We can make our new starts every morning, or every noon, or every 2:47 a.m.. The important thing is that we recognize when we need to turn away from old things, and embrace the new - whenever we need to do so.
Day 30 - A Whole Bunch of (Unrelated?) Stuff
(NOTE: If you are seeing this on Facebook, please go to my blog - chiachatter.blogspot.com - to see my whole post. I don't make my points in the first paragraph, which is all that shows up on my Facebook page :).)
Yeah, I've talked about the depression with which I am struggling, that popped up and caught me unaware...or maybe creeped up...but which I really started noticing about a week ago. I wouldn't have thought this would have been related to my surgery but it apparently is...and there are other things that are different.
(NOTE: Parts of this are personal so if you are squeamish stop here. I just want an honest story of my fundoplication experience for others who may be considering this procedure, or who may experience the same thing(s), plus maybe someone can help me understand all of this who has been there done that.)
My skin: I am itchy. Not just where the skin is STILL dry after that awful mess under the binders, but nearly everywhere. I could spend my entire day scratching. I'm using a wonderful cream that works wonders on my hands but the itching isn't necessarily related to dryness of my skin, and some of the itching feels like it is way beneath the skin, where I can't scratch hard enough to reach it.
My hair is limp and has no body, no life, no nothing. Like when I was a teenager and it was always oily and only looked nice for about an hour after I washed it - only I don't even get that hour, now. It is dead.
My personal scents, just the smell of my skin, my breath, etc. are all different. I don't recognize these various "natural" scents that are so unnatural now, that aren't me...
I have areas on my skin where it is turning to thick, textured elephant skin. Seriously. In several places. It is hard, it is thick, and it has a definite rough, hide-like texture. Where is THAT coming from??
As do many fat women, I struggle with candida in the folds of my skin, but have been able to control it for years with a routine that has kept it in check: daily showering followed by towel drying followed by air drying with a blow dryer set on cool and high followed by a liberal dusting of Caldosene Powder, which has no corn starch (yeast loves to feed on corn starch!) but has 15% zinc oxide which I've never found in any other powder. But now it is out of control, and acting differently than it ever did. The skin is splitting open and bleeding and very VERY painful in several areas, and there are other changes as well that might be too graphic for this blog. But it is worse, and it is different.
I now have fingernails for the first time in my life - literally - since I have bitten them since I was a toddler. I never ever had nails. But after the surgery I didn't want to ingest fingernails and cause pain so I stopped biting them. They are making me nuts, I hate the feeling of them, the tapping on my keyboard and the mistakes they are causing...but see paragraph 4 above: They are great for scratching so they get to stay although I will keep them very very short.
There is also some pain, not enough that it gets more than a passing notice, but it is frequent, across my chest/rib cage, and into my shoulders. I read that this is quite common, having something to do with nerves and diaphragm repair and whatever. It isn't a big deal..but it is one more thing that is so different...
Looking back I see that most of these changes are skin-related, but why? I don't get it, and it all only serves to make me even less of who I was before. There is almost nothing about me that I recognize anymore. I'm more puzzling than whining, no matter how the text reads, but I'm fairly certain that all of this strangeness isn't helping my feelings of detachment and strangeness in my own skin.
But I'll work it all out, one way or another. I have a lot of years to enjoy the intended results of this surgery, that I am already enjoying, the ability to eat without reflux and pain and all the rest of it. I still can't believe I haven't had these things in a month, when it had all been part of my life for so many years...I'm so so so thankful for the opportunity to have this done, and am sure I'll get excited about it again once I get my head fixed.
Yeah, I've talked about the depression with which I am struggling, that popped up and caught me unaware...or maybe creeped up...but which I really started noticing about a week ago. I wouldn't have thought this would have been related to my surgery but it apparently is...and there are other things that are different.
(NOTE: Parts of this are personal so if you are squeamish stop here. I just want an honest story of my fundoplication experience for others who may be considering this procedure, or who may experience the same thing(s), plus maybe someone can help me understand all of this who has been there done that.)
My skin: I am itchy. Not just where the skin is STILL dry after that awful mess under the binders, but nearly everywhere. I could spend my entire day scratching. I'm using a wonderful cream that works wonders on my hands but the itching isn't necessarily related to dryness of my skin, and some of the itching feels like it is way beneath the skin, where I can't scratch hard enough to reach it.
My hair is limp and has no body, no life, no nothing. Like when I was a teenager and it was always oily and only looked nice for about an hour after I washed it - only I don't even get that hour, now. It is dead.
My personal scents, just the smell of my skin, my breath, etc. are all different. I don't recognize these various "natural" scents that are so unnatural now, that aren't me...
I have areas on my skin where it is turning to thick, textured elephant skin. Seriously. In several places. It is hard, it is thick, and it has a definite rough, hide-like texture. Where is THAT coming from??
As do many fat women, I struggle with candida in the folds of my skin, but have been able to control it for years with a routine that has kept it in check: daily showering followed by towel drying followed by air drying with a blow dryer set on cool and high followed by a liberal dusting of Caldosene Powder, which has no corn starch (yeast loves to feed on corn starch!) but has 15% zinc oxide which I've never found in any other powder. But now it is out of control, and acting differently than it ever did. The skin is splitting open and bleeding and very VERY painful in several areas, and there are other changes as well that might be too graphic for this blog. But it is worse, and it is different.
I now have fingernails for the first time in my life - literally - since I have bitten them since I was a toddler. I never ever had nails. But after the surgery I didn't want to ingest fingernails and cause pain so I stopped biting them. They are making me nuts, I hate the feeling of them, the tapping on my keyboard and the mistakes they are causing...but see paragraph 4 above: They are great for scratching so they get to stay although I will keep them very very short.
There is also some pain, not enough that it gets more than a passing notice, but it is frequent, across my chest/rib cage, and into my shoulders. I read that this is quite common, having something to do with nerves and diaphragm repair and whatever. It isn't a big deal..but it is one more thing that is so different...
Looking back I see that most of these changes are skin-related, but why? I don't get it, and it all only serves to make me even less of who I was before. There is almost nothing about me that I recognize anymore. I'm more puzzling than whining, no matter how the text reads, but I'm fairly certain that all of this strangeness isn't helping my feelings of detachment and strangeness in my own skin.
But I'll work it all out, one way or another. I have a lot of years to enjoy the intended results of this surgery, that I am already enjoying, the ability to eat without reflux and pain and all the rest of it. I still can't believe I haven't had these things in a month, when it had all been part of my life for so many years...I'm so so so thankful for the opportunity to have this done, and am sure I'll get excited about it again once I get my head fixed.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Day 29
Exhausted today. Went to the kitchen to get something to eat and was too tired to cook so I threw some minute rice into a pot. 5 minutes later, lunch. I slept much of the day, didn't get dressed. Not much else to report, I felt like nothing and accomplished just as much.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Day 28 - A L - O - N - G Day!
(NOTE: If you are seeing this on Facebook, please go to my blog - chiachatter.blogspot.com - to see my whole post. I don't make my points in the first paragraph, which is all that shows up on my Facebook page :).)
Pete had business down in Saginaw today, plus it was his 60th birthday, so we had a day trip. We also had our almost-21-month-old grandson with us since his mom had to work.
First let me say that since mid-October neither Pete nor I have been working. Pete had a surgery that didn't allow him to do his job so they let him go, and my job is seasonal; I only work from April-Oct. So things have been really tight, but our needs have been met by the faithful and loving Father we serve. Still, Pete has been desperately looking for work. He's applied, tested, interviewed for jobs but nothing. Then he had an interview yesterday with a small company that he came home and raved about, saying that he felt all of his experience in the past was leading to this position. And apparently they thought so too; we were on our way to Saginaw when they called to tell him he got the job!
So we had reason to celebrate. I haven't eaten in a restaurant since my surgery, and was a little wary, but all went well. (See my post about this at my other blog.) Then he took care of his business at the V.A. while grandson and I played in the lobby. The hour passed very quickly. After that we went to Pete's sister's house and visited for about an hour, then to a large thrift store. While there, though, I started to crash: stomach pain, weakness, light-headed...I knew I needed food but this seemed to be, to me, an extreme reaction to an empty belly! Still, I couldn't deny it and we had to go, even though I had to leave many more bargains behind...
Went to Midland on the way home so I could pick up some food for my parrots from Soldan's, then ate a light supper at the Texan, filled up the gas tank ($47!!!!), and headed for home.
Most days I feel good early in the day, then lose stamina and start experiencing discomfort about midway through. Today was no different except that I didn't just start losing stamina and experiencing discomfort - I hit a brick wall and wanted to drop, right there, and just curl up on the floor. That was really disconcerting...
I'm still trying to deal with, and figure out, all of these feelings and how/why I am such a stranger to myself. All of the hours in the car gave me plenty of time to think, and I'm still no closer to answers. A depressed, sad person has taken up residence in my head and pushed me aside, and each day is no better, in fact today was a little worse even while I was enjoying being with hubby and grandson, and all the things we were doing on our day trip. It is all so very bizarre.
I am pleased and praising God today for His working in our lives, and am really excited that we will once again be able to support His work! And Pete's new job, well only God could have matched him up with a position that is such a perfect fit. I am glad and thankful for all of these things as they float atop the sad feeling like a shiny new boat cruises on the surface of dark waters.
I love my husband so much.
Pete had business down in Saginaw today, plus it was his 60th birthday, so we had a day trip. We also had our almost-21-month-old grandson with us since his mom had to work.
First let me say that since mid-October neither Pete nor I have been working. Pete had a surgery that didn't allow him to do his job so they let him go, and my job is seasonal; I only work from April-Oct. So things have been really tight, but our needs have been met by the faithful and loving Father we serve. Still, Pete has been desperately looking for work. He's applied, tested, interviewed for jobs but nothing. Then he had an interview yesterday with a small company that he came home and raved about, saying that he felt all of his experience in the past was leading to this position. And apparently they thought so too; we were on our way to Saginaw when they called to tell him he got the job!
So we had reason to celebrate. I haven't eaten in a restaurant since my surgery, and was a little wary, but all went well. (See my post about this at my other blog.) Then he took care of his business at the V.A. while grandson and I played in the lobby. The hour passed very quickly. After that we went to Pete's sister's house and visited for about an hour, then to a large thrift store. While there, though, I started to crash: stomach pain, weakness, light-headed...I knew I needed food but this seemed to be, to me, an extreme reaction to an empty belly! Still, I couldn't deny it and we had to go, even though I had to leave many more bargains behind...
Went to Midland on the way home so I could pick up some food for my parrots from Soldan's, then ate a light supper at the Texan, filled up the gas tank ($47!!!!), and headed for home.
Most days I feel good early in the day, then lose stamina and start experiencing discomfort about midway through. Today was no different except that I didn't just start losing stamina and experiencing discomfort - I hit a brick wall and wanted to drop, right there, and just curl up on the floor. That was really disconcerting...
I'm still trying to deal with, and figure out, all of these feelings and how/why I am such a stranger to myself. All of the hours in the car gave me plenty of time to think, and I'm still no closer to answers. A depressed, sad person has taken up residence in my head and pushed me aside, and each day is no better, in fact today was a little worse even while I was enjoying being with hubby and grandson, and all the things we were doing on our day trip. It is all so very bizarre.
I am pleased and praising God today for His working in our lives, and am really excited that we will once again be able to support His work! And Pete's new job, well only God could have matched him up with a position that is such a perfect fit. I am glad and thankful for all of these things as they float atop the sad feeling like a shiny new boat cruises on the surface of dark waters.
I love my husband so much.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Day 27
(NOTE: If you are seeing this on Facebook, please go to my blog - chiachatter.blogspot.com - to see my whole post. I don't make my points in the first paragraph, which is all that shows up on my Facebook page :).)
Still sad and disinterested. Don't even know what to write about. Stresses in life are taking their toll I guess. I looked up depression after surgery in the wee hours of the morning and it is definitely an issue for people who have had major surgeries. I've been having very vivid, very strange dreams at night also; I usually don't even remember my dreams, if I even have them, so this is off-putting to me as well. Plus add the high level of stress in my home right now, I guess I get it. But wish I didn't have to. I need to burrow my nose into the Word is what I need to do. Get some perspective back through the Word and prayer.
More pain across my belly today than in a week or more, but also have other things going on lower in my digestive tract that have been an issue for a few years so I think that's part of it. That, and handling my almost-30# grandson, and moving the loveseat away from the wall when my dog was getting into trouble behind it. (If my gut can withstand the impact of the steering wheel in a collision without undoing the fundoplication at 3 weeks post-op, then I guess I needn't worry too much about a toddler right? Even if he does make me pretty sore.)
Nothing else new to report. Makes me wonder why I wrote anything at all today, other than that it is a habit. The way I feel isn't like me, I'm not like this. Get over it, Sherry.
Still sad and disinterested. Don't even know what to write about. Stresses in life are taking their toll I guess. I looked up depression after surgery in the wee hours of the morning and it is definitely an issue for people who have had major surgeries. I've been having very vivid, very strange dreams at night also; I usually don't even remember my dreams, if I even have them, so this is off-putting to me as well. Plus add the high level of stress in my home right now, I guess I get it. But wish I didn't have to. I need to burrow my nose into the Word is what I need to do. Get some perspective back through the Word and prayer.
More pain across my belly today than in a week or more, but also have other things going on lower in my digestive tract that have been an issue for a few years so I think that's part of it. That, and handling my almost-30# grandson, and moving the loveseat away from the wall when my dog was getting into trouble behind it. (If my gut can withstand the impact of the steering wheel in a collision without undoing the fundoplication at 3 weeks post-op, then I guess I needn't worry too much about a toddler right? Even if he does make me pretty sore.)
Nothing else new to report. Makes me wonder why I wrote anything at all today, other than that it is a habit. The way I feel isn't like me, I'm not like this. Get over it, Sherry.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Day 26
(NOTE: If you are seeing this on Facebook, please go to my blog - chiachatter.blogspot.com - to see my whole post. I don't make my points in the first paragraph, which is all that shows up on my Facebook page :).)
Why on earth would I feel sad and even a bit weepy today? I have no idea. Worked like a slave this morning washing dishes and cleaning my kitchen, then felt no energy and depressed the rest of the day, and had to fight back tears-for-no-reason several times.
I don't understand it, that's not like me.
Why on earth would I feel sad and even a bit weepy today? I have no idea. Worked like a slave this morning washing dishes and cleaning my kitchen, then felt no energy and depressed the rest of the day, and had to fight back tears-for-no-reason several times.
I don't understand it, that's not like me.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
A Day of Rest
(NOTE: If you are seeing this on Facebook, please go to my blog - chiachatter.blogspot.com - to see my whole post. I don't make my points in the first paragraph, which is all that shows up on my Facebook page :).)
Today after church (excellent service, BTW!) we came home, ate, and rested. And I found out what happens when I eat too much. Pete made a lovely supper, I didn't stop eating in time, and it hurt. But overall, I feel like I'm eating almost normally now 25 days post-op - but I'll write about that in my other blog shortly, when I finish here...
It has really been a lovely day, and I feel ready for tomorrow when my daughter and grandson return home from downstate, where they've been visiting relatives over Christmas. It is always peaceful and quiet and neat and tidy when it is just Pete and I here, and I will miss that...but I feel more complete when my family is together. And tomorrow it will be!
And I think I can handle things better now. Yes I got exhausted easily after 2 days of shopping and activities - but really, was it all THAT easily? Compared to a week ago - or two weeks ago - no, it wasn't as easily as then. So everything is, I believe, as it should be at this stage of my recovery. I think I will be doing more and more as the days go by but am doing really well in that department at the moment, and feel good about that!
So tomorrow my family comes home, I have some shipping to do, and the usual bird cages to clean and other everyday housework. It will be a good day :).
Today after church (excellent service, BTW!) we came home, ate, and rested. And I found out what happens when I eat too much. Pete made a lovely supper, I didn't stop eating in time, and it hurt. But overall, I feel like I'm eating almost normally now 25 days post-op - but I'll write about that in my other blog shortly, when I finish here...
It has really been a lovely day, and I feel ready for tomorrow when my daughter and grandson return home from downstate, where they've been visiting relatives over Christmas. It is always peaceful and quiet and neat and tidy when it is just Pete and I here, and I will miss that...but I feel more complete when my family is together. And tomorrow it will be!
And I think I can handle things better now. Yes I got exhausted easily after 2 days of shopping and activities - but really, was it all THAT easily? Compared to a week ago - or two weeks ago - no, it wasn't as easily as then. So everything is, I believe, as it should be at this stage of my recovery. I think I will be doing more and more as the days go by but am doing really well in that department at the moment, and feel good about that!
So tomorrow my family comes home, I have some shipping to do, and the usual bird cages to clean and other everyday housework. It will be a good day :).
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