Life Changes

So many things have changed, and I need to accommodate them. Probably the most impacting are the changes in my brain from when I didn't have a stroke last fall. (Signs of stroke, changes in brain, but since it can't be seen with local imaging techniques the original diagnosis was downgraded to a cerebro-vascular incident, rather than accident, which is stroke.) All of that is old news, but after spending the last 8 months waiting to see if the brain changes would go away and I'd get my old brain back, then fighting them, I'm admitting defeat. I can't do the things I used to do. I've got a constant feeling of mental chaos that increases quickly under certain circumstances, making it impossible to think or act, and have lost mental math abilities, analytical abilities, and multi-tasking abilities - all of which had previously been my mental strong suits. I built a business with those abilities, and their use dictated my approach to life, and how I handled everyday tasks.

People tell me, "Well you seem ok to me!" or "Oh that happens to me all the time, don't worry about it!" or "It could have been worse, thank your lucky stars!" Even if I believed in "lucky stars", that doesn't help me to adapt. Whether I seem "ok" to others - especially those who don't spend a lot of time with me (my close family can see how different I am since that day) - is irrelevent. I know my old brain, and I know my new brain, and I know the difference.

Added to that is the blessing of my teenage daughter moving back home after being deserted by her husband a couple of weeks before their baby was due...the desertion and broken vows is a horrible thing for her, and in NO WAY a blessing. But that she's home again where she can heal with the love and support of her family is a blessing for all of us, to say nothing of her sweet precious baby who has brought joy and innocence to our home. But of course that is another major change, on top of the brain thing...a change that is impacting all of us on a huge level - not a bad level, just a huge one.

So I have to change. The business which I started building nearly 8 years ago, I can no longer run. With the visual perception issues as I lost sight in one eye in addition to the brain issues, I've found it impossible to function in almost any of my capacities: production, inventory/supply ordering, bookkeeping tasks, etc. I've managed to muddle through but the mistakes have been costly, and the physical injuries (burns and cuts mostly) are more than I'm willing to continue to inflict upon myself. I will soon be closing my business, as a result.

We've also changed churches, and found a smaller, quieter country-type church to attend and, hopefully, serve. While our former church was a great congregation, there were also pressures, and that's not something that I can handle anymore. Pressure and chaos around me are the 2 things that will start that mental paralysis (for lack of a better term...I don't mean to sound dramatic). It isn't that I don't want to serve or worship with my brothers and sisters in Christ; it is simply that I can't do so in the same big way that I previously did. But no worries there, God is still opening doors to opportunities for me! Just different ones.

I will also be making my escape place. Since I won't be using my shop to the degree that I have been since it was built for my business, I am dividing it. I will keep a smaller kitchen so that I can still make foods for my birds and maintain a small portion of my product line (only one product actually) temporarily on a very small scale. The rest of the shop will be torn down to make room for my keyboard and music and some comfortable furniture (will double as a guest room); it will be where I can escape and regroup when the activities of the house are too much and I start to scramble upstairs, and also where I can do my seasonal phone job without interruption or confusion. I may decide to put another television back here as well, so that any of us can use it as additional living space when I'm not occupying it myself.

All of these things impact my family as well - my husband most of all. He's had times where he's not sure what I've needed or how he can help me, and I can't tell him because I'm still figuring it out. He's had to put his own needs on hold to accomodate mine, which is usually the way of marriage in the same way that a ping pong ball can't be on both sides of the table at the same time. I'm ever-mindful of his sacrifices for me, and also my desire to do more for him and put him at the center of my thoughts instead of off to the side, my self-involvement with my own issues pushing him there. It doesn't come easily anymore, my struggles have taken energy that I'd rather devote to him and to our marriage...

Giving up my business and leaving our much-loved church are probably the 2 biggest changes I have been forced to make. Creating an escape/quiet place for myself is another that is a necessary but positive change. Taking the time to accomodate my "new normal" rather than fighting it - as I have been - is something I'm working on. Blessings continue to flow, as always, as I strive to honor Christ and serve God in all I do. He protected my ability to make music through this, and I will make more time for that. I'm in a position of having no choice about some things, but in the end it will all be good. I have to believe that, like finding my new normal, I will find a new contentment with life.