On The Bus!

As a young adult I was shy and unassuming - great fun at a party where I knew everyone, but in public and in my work life, very quiet and overly tolerant of things that I shouldn't have had to put up with. By my mid-20's I decided I was going to change. It was a conscious decision. I determined that every time I had a choice between assertiveness and shyness, I was going to choose the former, no matter what. It was a matter of will - and I won.

I spent the next 25 years as a confident, friendly, assertive, controlled woman. I was someone I liked and even admired, able to accomplish whatever I set my mind to do, knowing how to handle people and situations that weren't to my advantage, turning them so that they were when appropriate. I was in charge of myself and my environment, while always being respectful of others. I started a successful business, managed a couple of different careers successfully, and liked being in my own skin.

This is who I was when I met, and later married, Pete. But as time went on I developed the health issues I've already talked about, and found myself - of necessity - becoming more and more dependent on him. Simply walking on unfamiliar ground has been a hazard for nearly 2 years, since my head tells me a tiny dip or rise is going to throw me off balance, and since my eyes - well, eye - deceives me into believing a dark spot is a black hole or a patterned carpet is 3-dimensional. With too much sensory input (and it doesn't take much to be too much) my brain goes into chaos and I can't focus on anything, and speech patterns become strange. Someone approaching from my blind side, or me running into someone, sends me into a panic - as do crowds, things low to the ground (I have no downward peripheral vision which causes tripping and stumbling, especially with the whole balance thing in my brain since fall 2008)...anyway - even leaving the house has become a nightmare, and being with either Pete or my sister, who are the only ones who "get it" and watch out for me in public places, has been the only way I'm at all comfortable going out. And I haven't even covered the other things that now plague me away from my familiar surroundings...just take my word for it: I've become dependent. Not just in public, but in many ways at home, filling in gaps for me both intellectual and physical in my surroundings.

So today when I mentioned on Facebook that I was taking the minibus to the thrift store with my 15MO grandson, it wasn't just about shopping. Obviously I don't drive at this point, but it wasn't about transportation. It was about stepping out on my own, responsible for a small human that I love more than life itself, and taking the first step in breaking back out of who I've become, on my way to who I was. I didn't have the security of my walker (not only for steadiness/balance issues, but because of pain in my arthritic knees and hips and spine - I lean on it to take off pressure/reduce pain - as well as "feeling" the ground ahead of me that I can't see accurately).

So this was HUGE for me. Just getting out to the bus with my purse, the diaper bag, and the toddler, and getting up the VERY STEEP steps after helping the baby go first (no way could I have gotten up them while carrying him)...then the ride during which I was so anxiety-ridden that my head was splitting, I was nauseated and sure I'd either vomit or pass out - but for the baby on my lap, I probably would have. But I was spinning and reeling in my head and my stomach both...I almost got off at someone else's stop but it was only my determination that kept me going all the way to my destination.

Being in the thrift store, with lots of people around, lots of things to run into and trip over (including other toddlers which I don't see straight in front of me), uneven floor surfaces - that was a whole 'nother challenge. I put the baby in a cart, and was able to steady myself with that as well as "feel" the floor ahead of me. By positioning it on my left - blind - side every time I stopped to look at something, I didn't turn and hit anyone or anything. When I got trapped in a crowded aisle, I worked my way back to the dressing room and closed and locked the door, letting Leelan get some exercise too, until I got myself back in control again.

In short, I adapted and accommodated.

After our shopping, Leelan and I went to the little cafe that is attached and I got him a danish, and a diet pop for us to split. We sat at the table, out of the way of passersby, and I was able to breathe as we just waited for Pete to come and pick us up when he got out of work...

I thought I'd feel better about it after the fact than I do. I thought I'd feel accomplishment and a sense of independence. What I feel is that yes, I did it, and if I can avoid doing it again I will. I hate that I'm so dependent on Pete (or my sister when she's in town), I remember clearly who I was just until a couple of short years ago and want to go back there but I don't really feel that I made any strides to that end today. Maybe I expected too much too soon?

But I did it.