What Is In My Future?

I have so much to say and not even sure where to start or how much to share or even how I feel about it all. But I've been trying to process since Monday, and trying to corral my thoughts has been like trying to herd goats. (For the caprine-challenged, goats don't herd - they scatter.) So I'm thinking that maybe if I just start typing, everything will fall into place and I'll end up with a nice tidy trip (a trip being the correct term for a "herd" of goats...which don't herd but apparently they do trip ).

Monday was the long-awaited appointment with the gut surgeon. I liked him and was impressed by his insight, his manner, and his grasp of my personal situation. He is thinking surgery - of course, being a surgeon - and I knew that would be almost inevitable all the way since my own doctor discussed my issues at length on May 3rd.

From tests, he sees a couple hernias - one rather large and the other just moderate. Both could be causing some of my pain. He said there is a surgical fix for my "high" reflux (the kind that comes out my nose and ears, gets into my trachea and can cause respiratory issues), and that this type of reflux, besides being incredibly painful - which he didn't have to tell me - is the most problematic insofar as really serious resulting health issues go. But there is a fix, and that is the good thing. No, that is the GREAT thing. So between the 2 hernias there is some of my pain.

He also suspects a gall bladder problem. My doc originally mentioned that, but because my pain isn't worse when I eat fats, she apparently dismissed it. But gut-cutter said that isn't necessarily always the case, that my gall bladder can be "sludgy" or just wearing out, and causing more constant pain. This too, would be an easy fix these days. So I'm scheduled for the first of 2 gall bladder tests on the 27th, I'm thinking the 2nd one will be scheduled pending the result of the first but I could be wrong about that.

Before the surgery I guess I have to have a test to check how strong my esophageal peristalsis is because if it isn't strong enough, then I "will never swallow again" which isn't a happy thought to a foodie like me. That could be a potential issue but we'll wait and see what the test may/may not show...

All 3 things could be taken care of with one surgery, and he said that's how he'd do it. I would do ANYTHING to escape the pain and bloating and swelling/hard belly that I'm living with now. Heck, it's so constant that I don't even mention it anymore, who wants to hear a broken record about pain all the time? I won't subject my husband or family or friends to that anymore...but I relish the thought of health, lack of pain, ability to eat, etc.

But here's where things get complicated in my own mind: Gut-cutter said that the difference between the hiatal hernia surgery and the lapband surgery is basically a couple of sutures (and the band itself, I am assuming), and that it is something I should seriously consider since they'll be going in anyway. And this is what causes me a whole lot of consternation.

First, I don't want to lose more weight. I have body issues with the results from the weight I've already lost. I hate HATE the hanging skin, the rashes, the ridiculous amount of time for daily hygiene - all because of the excess skin. And, if gut-cutter is right and I lose another 100-150# (!) then it will only get worse - MUCH worse - and I haven't even mentioned how awful it looks. I'm not vain but I have seen women who have dozens of pounds of saggy flesh hanging all over them, and I don't want to be one. I wonder how they find clothes that fit, and if I'm going to look awful anyway, why don't I just look awful because of my weight? I just have huge issues about all that, and getting it all cut off is not an option, for many reasons...IF insurance would even cover it which most don't anymore.

Second, if I ever DO want to lose weight, I want to lose it at my own pace and my own way. I already know that I just have adjust my macronutrient intake and I lose - or gain. But I can do this myself (yeah yeah, maybe the future will be different...but none of us are even guaranteed a future so that's not part of my equation), and how, when, and how much is up to me.

Third, I am a foodie. Food is a huge part of my life, not just eating but shopping, planning, experimenting, preparing - it is a big chunk of who I am. And it is part of my lifestyle as well. It doesn't matter what I eat as when, with whom, and how I eat. From everything I've read, my eating will be restricted to 3 small meals and no snacks, and I can't drink anything for 45 minutes before or after a meal, or during. HELLO?? I can't imagine eating without a beverage. I can't imagine giving up our popcorn and movie nights as a family or our impromptu mini-meals on the road when we see an interesting place. And I don't want to imagine anything that is going to impact my lifestyle in such a major way. We're not talking about sustenance here - we're talking about the role of food in my lifestyle and even my relationships, a major source of enjoyment.

So if someone judges that food plays the wrong role in my life, or that I eat for the wrong reasons, or whatever - so what? This is how I live, and if that's the case...what's your point? That I change that too? Maybe I should change my taste in music too? The whole point I'm making is - we're not just talking about weight loss here. Yeah, there are obvious health benefits to weight loss - I need to "weigh" the cost though. Do I want to change not only how I eat, but a large part of how I live? If my interest in, and love of, all things food-related (including social) doesn't change but my ability to enjoy it does, is that a good choice for me? Or a freaking nightmare?

Since this will likely be my only opportunity to have any sort of WLS done, the pressure is on, especially from those around me who want - definitely more than I want - to see me lose more weight than I already have chosen to lose.

Definitely I will have the surgery done - definitely I want (or rather, am desperate for) relief. That is just a given, no questions asked. But sticking a band in my belly to control not only how and what I eat, but what I weigh and to take away one of the things that gives me pleasure in my life - do I really want that?