On The Bus!

As a young adult I was shy and unassuming - great fun at a party where I knew everyone, but in public and in my work life, very quiet and overly tolerant of things that I shouldn't have had to put up with. By my mid-20's I decided I was going to change. It was a conscious decision. I determined that every time I had a choice between assertiveness and shyness, I was going to choose the former, no matter what. It was a matter of will - and I won.

I spent the next 25 years as a confident, friendly, assertive, controlled woman. I was someone I liked and even admired, able to accomplish whatever I set my mind to do, knowing how to handle people and situations that weren't to my advantage, turning them so that they were when appropriate. I was in charge of myself and my environment, while always being respectful of others. I started a successful business, managed a couple of different careers successfully, and liked being in my own skin.

This is who I was when I met, and later married, Pete. But as time went on I developed the health issues I've already talked about, and found myself - of necessity - becoming more and more dependent on him. Simply walking on unfamiliar ground has been a hazard for nearly 2 years, since my head tells me a tiny dip or rise is going to throw me off balance, and since my eyes - well, eye - deceives me into believing a dark spot is a black hole or a patterned carpet is 3-dimensional. With too much sensory input (and it doesn't take much to be too much) my brain goes into chaos and I can't focus on anything, and speech patterns become strange. Someone approaching from my blind side, or me running into someone, sends me into a panic - as do crowds, things low to the ground (I have no downward peripheral vision which causes tripping and stumbling, especially with the whole balance thing in my brain since fall 2008)...anyway - even leaving the house has become a nightmare, and being with either Pete or my sister, who are the only ones who "get it" and watch out for me in public places, has been the only way I'm at all comfortable going out. And I haven't even covered the other things that now plague me away from my familiar surroundings...just take my word for it: I've become dependent. Not just in public, but in many ways at home, filling in gaps for me both intellectual and physical in my surroundings.

So today when I mentioned on Facebook that I was taking the minibus to the thrift store with my 15MO grandson, it wasn't just about shopping. Obviously I don't drive at this point, but it wasn't about transportation. It was about stepping out on my own, responsible for a small human that I love more than life itself, and taking the first step in breaking back out of who I've become, on my way to who I was. I didn't have the security of my walker (not only for steadiness/balance issues, but because of pain in my arthritic knees and hips and spine - I lean on it to take off pressure/reduce pain - as well as "feeling" the ground ahead of me that I can't see accurately).

So this was HUGE for me. Just getting out to the bus with my purse, the diaper bag, and the toddler, and getting up the VERY STEEP steps after helping the baby go first (no way could I have gotten up them while carrying him)...then the ride during which I was so anxiety-ridden that my head was splitting, I was nauseated and sure I'd either vomit or pass out - but for the baby on my lap, I probably would have. But I was spinning and reeling in my head and my stomach both...I almost got off at someone else's stop but it was only my determination that kept me going all the way to my destination.

Being in the thrift store, with lots of people around, lots of things to run into and trip over (including other toddlers which I don't see straight in front of me), uneven floor surfaces - that was a whole 'nother challenge. I put the baby in a cart, and was able to steady myself with that as well as "feel" the floor ahead of me. By positioning it on my left - blind - side every time I stopped to look at something, I didn't turn and hit anyone or anything. When I got trapped in a crowded aisle, I worked my way back to the dressing room and closed and locked the door, letting Leelan get some exercise too, until I got myself back in control again.

In short, I adapted and accommodated.

After our shopping, Leelan and I went to the little cafe that is attached and I got him a danish, and a diet pop for us to split. We sat at the table, out of the way of passersby, and I was able to breathe as we just waited for Pete to come and pick us up when he got out of work...

I thought I'd feel better about it after the fact than I do. I thought I'd feel accomplishment and a sense of independence. What I feel is that yes, I did it, and if I can avoid doing it again I will. I hate that I'm so dependent on Pete (or my sister when she's in town), I remember clearly who I was just until a couple of short years ago and want to go back there but I don't really feel that I made any strides to that end today. Maybe I expected too much too soon?

But I did it.

What Is In My Future?

I have so much to say and not even sure where to start or how much to share or even how I feel about it all. But I've been trying to process since Monday, and trying to corral my thoughts has been like trying to herd goats. (For the caprine-challenged, goats don't herd - they scatter.) So I'm thinking that maybe if I just start typing, everything will fall into place and I'll end up with a nice tidy trip (a trip being the correct term for a "herd" of goats...which don't herd but apparently they do trip ).

Monday was the long-awaited appointment with the gut surgeon. I liked him and was impressed by his insight, his manner, and his grasp of my personal situation. He is thinking surgery - of course, being a surgeon - and I knew that would be almost inevitable all the way since my own doctor discussed my issues at length on May 3rd.

From tests, he sees a couple hernias - one rather large and the other just moderate. Both could be causing some of my pain. He said there is a surgical fix for my "high" reflux (the kind that comes out my nose and ears, gets into my trachea and can cause respiratory issues), and that this type of reflux, besides being incredibly painful - which he didn't have to tell me - is the most problematic insofar as really serious resulting health issues go. But there is a fix, and that is the good thing. No, that is the GREAT thing. So between the 2 hernias there is some of my pain.

He also suspects a gall bladder problem. My doc originally mentioned that, but because my pain isn't worse when I eat fats, she apparently dismissed it. But gut-cutter said that isn't necessarily always the case, that my gall bladder can be "sludgy" or just wearing out, and causing more constant pain. This too, would be an easy fix these days. So I'm scheduled for the first of 2 gall bladder tests on the 27th, I'm thinking the 2nd one will be scheduled pending the result of the first but I could be wrong about that.

Before the surgery I guess I have to have a test to check how strong my esophageal peristalsis is because if it isn't strong enough, then I "will never swallow again" which isn't a happy thought to a foodie like me. That could be a potential issue but we'll wait and see what the test may/may not show...

All 3 things could be taken care of with one surgery, and he said that's how he'd do it. I would do ANYTHING to escape the pain and bloating and swelling/hard belly that I'm living with now. Heck, it's so constant that I don't even mention it anymore, who wants to hear a broken record about pain all the time? I won't subject my husband or family or friends to that anymore...but I relish the thought of health, lack of pain, ability to eat, etc.

But here's where things get complicated in my own mind: Gut-cutter said that the difference between the hiatal hernia surgery and the lapband surgery is basically a couple of sutures (and the band itself, I am assuming), and that it is something I should seriously consider since they'll be going in anyway. And this is what causes me a whole lot of consternation.

First, I don't want to lose more weight. I have body issues with the results from the weight I've already lost. I hate HATE the hanging skin, the rashes, the ridiculous amount of time for daily hygiene - all because of the excess skin. And, if gut-cutter is right and I lose another 100-150# (!) then it will only get worse - MUCH worse - and I haven't even mentioned how awful it looks. I'm not vain but I have seen women who have dozens of pounds of saggy flesh hanging all over them, and I don't want to be one. I wonder how they find clothes that fit, and if I'm going to look awful anyway, why don't I just look awful because of my weight? I just have huge issues about all that, and getting it all cut off is not an option, for many reasons...IF insurance would even cover it which most don't anymore.

Second, if I ever DO want to lose weight, I want to lose it at my own pace and my own way. I already know that I just have adjust my macronutrient intake and I lose - or gain. But I can do this myself (yeah yeah, maybe the future will be different...but none of us are even guaranteed a future so that's not part of my equation), and how, when, and how much is up to me.

Third, I am a foodie. Food is a huge part of my life, not just eating but shopping, planning, experimenting, preparing - it is a big chunk of who I am. And it is part of my lifestyle as well. It doesn't matter what I eat as when, with whom, and how I eat. From everything I've read, my eating will be restricted to 3 small meals and no snacks, and I can't drink anything for 45 minutes before or after a meal, or during. HELLO?? I can't imagine eating without a beverage. I can't imagine giving up our popcorn and movie nights as a family or our impromptu mini-meals on the road when we see an interesting place. And I don't want to imagine anything that is going to impact my lifestyle in such a major way. We're not talking about sustenance here - we're talking about the role of food in my lifestyle and even my relationships, a major source of enjoyment.

So if someone judges that food plays the wrong role in my life, or that I eat for the wrong reasons, or whatever - so what? This is how I live, and if that's the case...what's your point? That I change that too? Maybe I should change my taste in music too? The whole point I'm making is - we're not just talking about weight loss here. Yeah, there are obvious health benefits to weight loss - I need to "weigh" the cost though. Do I want to change not only how I eat, but a large part of how I live? If my interest in, and love of, all things food-related (including social) doesn't change but my ability to enjoy it does, is that a good choice for me? Or a freaking nightmare?

Since this will likely be my only opportunity to have any sort of WLS done, the pressure is on, especially from those around me who want - definitely more than I want - to see me lose more weight than I already have chosen to lose.

Definitely I will have the surgery done - definitely I want (or rather, am desperate for) relief. That is just a given, no questions asked. But sticking a band in my belly to control not only how and what I eat, but what I weigh and to take away one of the things that gives me pleasure in my life - do I really want that?

RIP Chandler, Jan. 2, 2000 - June 30, 2010

Chandler was an amazing animal, and my dream dog. I had wanted another doberman for many years but it wasn't until I purchased a larger home with a large yard 10 years ago that my dream was realized. 2 days after moving in, I was at the doberman rescue to pick out my guy. I had wanted an adult red female; I came home, at the rescuer's suggestion, with a leggy 6-month-old black/rust male. And our love story started.

He was the perfect dog from day 1. He housebroke in just days. He learned the basics of obedience literally within hours. He adapted to his new name before we even got home with him.

My daughter, who was 9 at the time we got him, turned him into her cuddle buddy. When her JRA was in a flare and she couldn't get upstairs to her bedroom, he slept with her on the futon in the living room. He was her friend and her protector. He adopted my flock of parrots as his own, and never offered to harm their little feathered heads, but rather just turned his head away when they got too close.

There were 2 things that Chandler never liked: The wooden stairs at our home, and the vacuum cleaner. In the 6 years in that house, he never would use that stairway to get upstairs, no matter what we tried. And to the last week of his life, he would do ANYTHING to get away from a running vacuum cleaner.

He was totally devoted to his family, including relatives. He was an attention hound, and would do the "dober-lean" against anyone he thought might pet him. He was a quiet presence in our lives, always there for us, always aware, always within touching distance of one of us, always ready to play or to cuddle or anything else we had in mind.

As dobermans do, he had an amazingly expressive face and body language. Which is a good thing, because, before we got him, someone had done a real hack job on his tail, cutting through a vertebra instead of between them. That was a source of pain to him until we had it repaired, but the 2nd surgery didn't leave much tail for wagging.

His temperament was even and steady. He loved walking around our neighborhood and the parks of Lansing with me, and met new people without a blink. He was sweet and gentle with children, and other dogs were accepted as friends. He was as close to the perfect dog as I can imagine.

Channie started developing lumps all over his body over the last year. The vet said they weren't anything to worry about. Within the last few months, he looked like a bag of golf balls. He also started getting a little stiff in the mornings, then throughout the day. I gave him cheese with an aspirin in it, and that seemed to help for a while. But then he got more and more uncomfortable, and less and less able to move quickly. At the same time, he developed a lump on the side of his neck that quickly grew (unlike the others), and he started vomiting more. He'd always had a "funny tummy" but the vomiting became almost daily in the last week.

The last few weeks of his life, he hid under the dining room table or behind our bed. He got snappish with the 3 adults in our home, and I started to worry for the toddler. Many times, he wouldn't even get up to go outside with the other dogs.

When you know and love and connect so deeply with an animal, they tell you when it's time. Sure, I could have amassed a large debt in trying to buy him a few more weeks or months of life - but the time to say goodbye still would have come, maybe he would have gotten more comfortable, but not pain-free, and, frankly, he'd still be gone long before my debt would have been. Just for a few more weeks with him, just to put off the inevitable good-bye, just to keep him with me a little longer...but it still always comes down to this: when you know and love and connect so deeply with an animal, they tell you when it's time.

Chandler's time came the day before yesterday. My husband took him to the humane society, where they release beloved pets from their pain gently. As they sat in the waiting room, Channie got a shot to relax him. People petted him and told him how beautiful he was. Then my husband and Chandler were led to a room with a big window, where Pete sat on the floor and Channie lay next to him, his head on Pete's knee. Pete talked to him and to God, and caressed those lovely silky black ears as he got his final shot. And my beautiful, beloved, sweet Channie went to sleep...

I have always loved dobermans, and I will always love dobermans. But my husband and I, as we work our way through middle age with our own health issues, have agreed that we will stick with little dogs from now on. We have two minpins and an elderly yorkie/pom now. They are each loved in their own ways, none of them are Chandler, and they can't take his place. The little fuzzy dog, who has been with him his whole life, is lost without him and very sad...as are we...

Hope to see you on the other side, my Chan-man...

#Hava - Again

Today Pete installed the Hava system that we got about a month ago. We knew we were going to be rearranging furniture at some point - thought it would be sooner than this - so he waited.

End result: a few minutes ago I was watching Diners Drive-ins & Dives on the TV, on Nellie, and on N8. All at the same time. I've since turned off the TV and closed down the Hava app here on Nellie...but I did that for a few minutes. Just because I could. Heck I can foresee a time when we rarely even turn the TV on - it probably uses most electricity than the Hava box and our N810's or laptops combined, so it will be good for our electric bill too! Speaking of bills, it's also cheaper than Netflix - including the box!

Why we got Hava: I don't fall asleep early in the evening. I'm an owl but I'm married to a lark. I hate going to bed and staring at the ceiling for hours, if I go to bed with Pete, but I dread that time every night when he disappears and here I sit. So I wanted to be able to go to bed with him but still watch my HGTV and Food Network and Discovery Health shows that I like to watch at night. Now, I can, on N8. He can access our satellite box via the Hava box.

Another reason: when I'm online in the van while Pete drives, there's only so much I can do. Being able to watch TV will be something I can do on Nellie while on the road, in waiting rooms (we spend a lot of time in waiting rooms between the 2 of us!), etc.

A 3rd reason is that often one of us wants to watch the TV when the other one doesn't, or sometimes the TV is just too much noise when I'm trying to think about something else, or take bug calls, or whatever. Now, no longer an issue!

Plus, it's cool.

Still Hard At Work

Yesterday was a great day, with my DD and her friend Andrew rearranging the living room for me. I have always rearranged every few months - 4-5 times a year - because I get bored easily, and because when you share your space with 10 parrots (even more in the past) it doesn't matter how well you do your cleaning, you will find stuff everywhere once you move your furniture. Plus, in my home there are windows all along the south-facing wall, making it a great place for parrot cages in the winter. But in the summer, they go to the other side of the room where there is a north-facing alcove area with windows. In the summer they are still part of our living space but more out of the way and, of course, out of the sun. They were late getting moved this spring because I simply couldn't do it. In fact, due to health issues, I hadn't rearranged since probably October. You can only imagine the amount of cleaning that had to be done! But the kids were great and got the job done in just a couple of hours.

So today I'm doing all the little stuff, the 2nd day stuff, the lighter stuff that I'm still sometimes capable of doing, like arranging the lamps and small pieces and improving the livability of the new arrangement. Not a big deal but is still causing a lot of pain and, after the first hour, I'm wiped. Was going to try and get through the day without any pain pills but I see now that will be impossible, if I want to do anything at all - and I do! But the job will be done in a few hours and I will have great satisfaction, so it will definitely be worth it and I know I will be happy with the final result. It always feels so comfortable and homey after a good cleaning and a change, and this time will be no different! These times are the highlight of my year, as a homemaker :).

So - break is over - back to work!

Feeling Better, and Vlogging?

Go figure, I woke up without the pain that has kept me drugged and in my recliner the last couple of days. I know people are praying for me, and God is answering :). Of course, even if I was still hurting, I'd know He was answering too, it just might not be the same answer as He's given for today! So I woke up with back spasms that a hot shower and couple of pills got rid of, and it's a perfectly lovely sunny UpNorth day, I'm able to sit up at the table out in my sunroom and enjoy the perfect weather and watch the squirrels and chipmunks and birds while I work, and contemplate my blessings.

Next subject: video blogging, which apparently is called vlogging by the cool people. I've thought about doing it in the past but now that I have Nellie with her built-in mic and camera, it may actually happen. I'm not even sure what I might talk about - maybe do a demo or cooking video for my low-carb blog, or introduce my dogs and/or parrots, or do a demo of my keyboards, or...? I might even just talk :). But it is a new frontier that I haven't yet explored and it might be fun to do so now! (Isn't it nice how I say that as if I have loads of extra time? lol!) If you have any suggestions or advice I'd be happy to hear them too - chiaowl@owly.net if you'd rather email.

So those are my thoughts for today. And since I feel almost normal today, I'm going to go clean bird cages, wash dishes, and do laundry in between my bug calls!

Another Whine - Feel Free to Ignore

Yesterday was maybe one of my best days ever, since this health issue started a couple of months ago...and today it just about my worst.

I woke up in pain with that big bulging area above my waist in full display, my legs painful and heavy (and even my hips, today - so hard to walk)...no appetite, upset stomach, pain all the way around my middle...I did everything "right" yesterday. Small lunch early afternoon. A couple of nibbles late afternoon (literally - like 3 bites) and that's all I ate. Didn't do anything physically stressful, as that increases my belly pain (and size!).

I hate to do it but will take a heavy-duty pain pill and hopefully get at least a little relief. I hate that my husband has to come home from a hard day at work to a wife that is all but useless or even worse, a burden...it is days like these that I really need to get my mind and heart focused on Christ, even though it is also days like these that that is the hardest thing to do. Living a life of praise is sometimes very very hard.