Friday, December 31, 2010

Almost 2011

(NOTE: If you are seeing this on Facebook, please go to my blog - chiachatter.blogspot.com - to see my whole post. I don't make my points in the first paragraph, which is all that shows up on my Facebook page :).)

For those who celebrate, Happy New Year! If your new start comes at midnight, all the best with that, too :).

I don't see midnight tonight as magical, or really different than any other midnight, just because the calendar flips a year. We don't celebrate it or do anything special on New Year's Eve or on New Year's Day. Life tomorrow will be much like it is today in every way. We can make our new starts every morning, or every noon, or every 2:47 a.m.. The important thing is that we recognize when we need to turn away from old things, and embrace the new - whenever we need to do so.

Day 30 - A Whole Bunch of (Unrelated?) Stuff

(NOTE: If you are seeing this on Facebook, please go to my blog - chiachatter.blogspot.com - to see my whole post. I don't make my points in the first paragraph, which is all that shows up on my Facebook page :).)

Yeah, I've talked about the depression with which I am struggling, that popped up and caught me unaware...or maybe creeped up...but which I really started noticing about a week ago. I wouldn't have thought this would have been related to my surgery but it apparently is...and there are other things that are different.

(NOTE: Parts of this are personal so if you are squeamish stop here. I just want an honest story of my fundoplication experience for others who may be considering this procedure, or who may experience the same thing(s), plus maybe someone can help me understand all of this who has been there done that.)

My skin: I am itchy. Not just where the skin is STILL dry after that awful mess under the binders, but nearly everywhere. I could spend my entire day scratching. I'm using a wonderful cream that works wonders on my hands but the itching isn't necessarily related to dryness of my skin, and some of the itching feels like it is way beneath the skin, where I can't scratch hard enough to reach it.

My hair is limp and has no body, no life, no nothing. Like when I was a teenager and it was always oily and only looked nice for about an hour after I washed it - only I don't even get that hour, now. It is dead.

My personal scents, just the smell of my skin, my breath, etc. are all different. I don't recognize these various "natural" scents that are so unnatural now, that aren't me...

I have areas on my skin where it is turning to thick, textured elephant skin. Seriously. In several places. It is hard, it is thick, and it has a definite rough, hide-like texture. Where is THAT coming from??

As do many fat women, I struggle with candida in the folds of my skin, but have been able to control it for years with a routine that has kept it in check: daily showering followed by towel drying followed by air drying with a blow dryer set on cool and high followed by a liberal dusting of Caldosene Powder, which has no corn starch (yeast loves to feed on corn starch!) but has 15% zinc oxide which I've never found in any other powder. But now it is out of control, and acting differently than it ever did. The skin is splitting open and bleeding and very VERY painful in several areas, and there are other changes as well that might be too graphic for this blog. But it is worse, and it is different.

I now have fingernails for the first time in my life - literally - since I have bitten them since I was a toddler. I never ever had nails. But after the surgery I didn't want to ingest fingernails and cause pain so I stopped biting them. They are making me nuts, I hate the feeling of them, the tapping on my keyboard and the mistakes they are causing...but see paragraph 4 above: They are great for scratching so they get to stay although I will keep them very very short.

There is also some pain, not enough that it gets more than a passing notice, but it is frequent, across my chest/rib cage, and into my shoulders. I read that this is quite common, having something to do with nerves and diaphragm repair and whatever. It isn't a big deal..but it is one more thing that is so different...

Looking back I see that most of these changes are skin-related, but why? I don't get it, and it all only serves to make me even less of who I was before. There is almost nothing about me that I recognize anymore. I'm more puzzling than whining, no matter how the text reads, but I'm fairly certain that all of this strangeness isn't helping my feelings of detachment and strangeness in my own skin.

But I'll work it all out, one way or another. I have a lot of years to enjoy the intended results of this surgery, that I am already enjoying, the ability to eat without reflux and pain and all the rest of it. I still can't believe I haven't had these things in a month, when it had all been part of my life for so many years...I'm so so so thankful for the opportunity to have this done, and am sure I'll get excited about it again once I get my head fixed.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Day 29

Exhausted today. Went to the kitchen to get something to eat and was too tired to cook so I threw some minute rice into a pot. 5 minutes later, lunch. I slept much of the day, didn't get dressed. Not much else to report, I felt like nothing and accomplished just as much.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Day 28 - A L - O - N - G Day!

(NOTE: If you are seeing this on Facebook, please go to my blog - chiachatter.blogspot.com - to see my whole post. I don't make my points in the first paragraph, which is all that shows up on my Facebook page :).)

Pete had business down in Saginaw today, plus it was his 60th birthday, so we had a day trip. We also had our almost-21-month-old grandson with us since his mom had to work.

First let me say that since mid-October neither Pete nor I have been working. Pete had a surgery that didn't allow him to do his job so they let him go, and my job is seasonal; I only work from April-Oct. So things have been really tight, but our needs have been met by the faithful and loving Father we serve. Still, Pete has been desperately looking for work. He's applied, tested, interviewed for jobs but nothing. Then he had an interview yesterday with a small company that he came home and raved about, saying that he felt all of his experience in the past was leading to this position. And apparently they thought so too; we were on our way to Saginaw when they called to tell him he got the job!

So we had reason to celebrate. I haven't eaten in a restaurant since my surgery, and was a little wary, but all went well. (See my post about this at my other blog.) Then he took care of his business at the V.A. while grandson and I played in the lobby. The hour passed very quickly. After that we went to Pete's sister's house and visited for about an hour, then to a large thrift store. While there, though, I started to crash: stomach pain, weakness, light-headed...I knew I needed food but this seemed to be, to me, an extreme reaction to an empty belly! Still, I couldn't deny it and we had to go, even though I had to leave many more bargains behind...

Went to Midland on the way home so I could pick up some food for my parrots from Soldan's, then ate a light supper at the Texan, filled up the gas tank ($47!!!!), and headed for home.

Most days I feel good early in the day, then lose stamina and start experiencing discomfort about midway through. Today was no different except that I didn't just start losing stamina and experiencing discomfort - I hit a brick wall and wanted to drop, right there, and just curl up on the floor. That was really disconcerting...

I'm still trying to deal with, and figure out, all of these feelings and how/why I am such a stranger to myself. All of the hours in the car gave me plenty of time to think, and I'm still no closer to answers. A depressed, sad person has taken up residence in my head and pushed me aside, and each day is no better, in fact today was a little worse even while I was enjoying being with hubby and grandson, and all the things we were doing on our day trip. It is all so very bizarre.

I am pleased and praising God today for His working in our lives, and am really excited that we will once again be able to support His work! And Pete's new job, well only God could have matched him up with a position that is such a perfect fit. I am glad and thankful for all of these things as they float atop the sad feeling like a shiny new boat cruises on the surface of dark waters.

I love my husband so much.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Day 27

(NOTE: If you are seeing this on Facebook, please go to my blog - chiachatter.blogspot.com - to see my whole post. I don't make my points in the first paragraph, which is all that shows up on my Facebook page :).)

Still sad and disinterested. Don't even know what to write about. Stresses in life are taking their toll I guess. I looked up depression after surgery in the wee hours of the morning and it is definitely an issue for people who have had major surgeries. I've been having very vivid, very strange dreams at night also; I usually don't even remember my dreams, if I even have them, so this is off-putting to me as well. Plus add the high level of stress in my home right now, I guess I get it. But wish I didn't have to. I need to burrow my nose into the Word is what I need to do. Get some perspective back through the Word and prayer.

More pain across my belly today than in a week or more, but also have other things going on lower in my digestive tract that have been an issue for a few years so I think that's part of it. That, and handling my almost-30# grandson, and moving the loveseat away from the wall when my dog was getting into trouble behind it. (If my gut can withstand the impact of the steering wheel in a collision without undoing the fundoplication at 3 weeks post-op, then I guess I needn't worry too much about a toddler right? Even if he does make me pretty sore.)

Nothing else new to report. Makes me wonder why I wrote anything at all today, other than that it is a habit. The way I feel isn't like me, I'm not like this. Get over it, Sherry.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Day 26

(NOTE: If you are seeing this on Facebook, please go to my blog - chiachatter.blogspot.com - to see my whole post. I don't make my points in the first paragraph, which is all that shows up on my Facebook page :).)

Why on earth would I feel sad and even a bit weepy today? I have no idea. Worked like a slave this morning washing dishes and cleaning my kitchen, then felt no energy and depressed the rest of the day, and had to fight back tears-for-no-reason several times.

I don't understand it, that's not like me.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

A Day of Rest

(NOTE: If you are seeing this on Facebook, please go to my blog - chiachatter.blogspot.com - to see my whole post. I don't make my points in the first paragraph, which is all that shows up on my Facebook page :).)

Today after church (excellent service, BTW!) we came home, ate, and rested. And I found out what happens when I eat too much. Pete made a lovely supper, I didn't stop eating in time, and it hurt. But overall, I feel like I'm eating almost normally now 25 days post-op - but I'll write about that in my other blog shortly, when I finish here...

It has really been a lovely day, and I feel ready for tomorrow when my daughter and grandson return home from downstate, where they've been visiting relatives over Christmas. It is always peaceful and quiet and neat and tidy when it is just Pete and I here, and I will miss that...but I feel more complete when my family is together. And tomorrow it will be!

And I think I can handle things better now. Yes I got exhausted easily after 2 days of shopping and activities - but really, was it all THAT easily? Compared to a week ago - or two weeks ago - no, it wasn't as easily as then. So everything is, I believe, as it should be at this stage of my recovery. I think I will be doing more and more as the days go by but am doing really well in that department at the moment, and feel good about that!

So tomorrow my family comes home, I have some shipping to do, and the usual bird cages to clean and other everyday housework. It will be a good day :).

Friday, December 24, 2010

Day 22 - Hitting the Wall

(NOTE: If you are seeing this on Facebook, please go to my blog - chiachatter.blogspot.com - to see my whole post. I don't make my points in the first paragraph, which is all that shows up on my Facebook page :).)

I didn't even DO that much, but sure hit the wall of exhaustion today. From the time I got up this morning everything has taken a supreme effort to accomplish. So I didn't do much. Folded some laundry, kept falling asleep in my chair, took care of my birds, that's about it. It's all I could manage. Go figure, not sure what brought that on but tomorrow I have a busy day planned so enough of this nonsense!

P.S. I just wrote this in my other blog and thought it was significant so I'm copying it here as well: I have always finished what is on my plate. Now I am at war with the "need" to eat those last few bites vs. my stomach telling me, "Enough! Not one more bite!" When I don't listen to my stomach, I get pain. But the voice in my head has over a half century of controlling how I eat. It's a tough fight.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Three Weeks Ago Today!

(NOTE: If you are seeing this on Facebook, please go to my blog - chiachatter.blogspot.com - to see my whole post. I don't make my points in the first paragraph, which is all that shows up on my Facebook page :).)

Hard to believe the first 3 weeks have passed already, then on the other hand it seems like a year ago I was in the hospital and then at my sister's. Once I got home the time stretched or something. While I was in the hospital those 5 days, I both couldn't wait to get out, and was afraid to leave because they were so good at managing my pain, and I was afraid of managing my own food and pain. Then 8 days at my sister's where I started to learn the different feelings and signals that my belly was sending me, and what they meant, and where I started learning how to judge when and how much and what to eat. It was a calm and stable place with a lot of support and no stress and I am everso thankful I could have that time there with her family!

Being home these last 8 days I have felt the stresses of everyday life and it hasn't been as easy but as they say, there is no place like home! I am again with the people and pets and things that I love best which are both comforting and stressful. But I'm not sure I'd want to be anywhere else :).

So. The day after The Fall. Yowser I'm sore! If I have had any belly pain I don't know it because the muscles have been screaming too loudly for me to hear it. But knowing it was just muscle pain I took the opportunity to go without any pain meds, except for my first-thing-in-the-morning one, all day. And for sore muscles I like activity. So I played with my parrots, cleaned 3 cages (yes it was slow but I still did it!), washed dishes and scrubbed pots and pans, and watched my grandson for about an hour. It seems I was always up and down to do something or other, and my husband thinks I have done too much. Tonight I would agree with him, late afternoon I hit the wall and could do no more, but it felt good to be moving, both for my soul and to keep my aching muscles too busy to complain much.

I wrote about this in my other blog already but I haven't had an appetite today, and haven't wanted to drink. Not sure why but by late afternoon I felt I should eat anyway, so I've eaten a few bites, several times throughout the evening. Now it is 11:00 p.m. and my stomach feels heavy and sore, so maybe I should have just followed what it was trying to tell me: I'm not hungry, don't send anything down! I won't make that mistake again!

But for 3 weeks post surgery I think I'm doing pretty well. Hubby thinks so too, except he thinks I'm pushing to do too much too soon. Yeah. Prolly. But I'm doing it :).

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Day 20 - A Fall (But I'm OK, Gwen)

(NOTE: If you are seeing this on Facebook, please go to my blog - chiachatter.blogspot.com - to see my whole post. I don't make my points in the first paragraph, which is all that shows up on my Facebook page :).)

Today started out ok. I did sleep on my sides with just a pillow, all night long. It has been so long since I've been able to sleep without stacks of pillows - or sitting in my recliner - that Pete never even knew me when I could! But I was very sore in the gut when I got out of bed this morning. But it was worth it! I still get excited that I can lay down, and that I've been reflux-free for almost 3 weeks - it is like a miracle!!!

All went well through the morning. I enjoyed my grandson for a little while, then after he and my daughter left I did the dishes. That's right, I DID THE DISHES! It was great to accomplish something around the house :). Then I prepared the chicken thighs for roasting (poured the olive oil in the pan, rinsed the thighs, gave 'em each a roll in the oil and some sea salt on top) and put them in the oven. This 30 minutes or so of simple work tired me out but not as badly as it would have last week, at least my legs didn't get wobbly.

Supper was lovely, and afterward I went to the bathroom for a shower. Ladies, I know this problem isn't very uncommon but when I get up I have to go, there can be no dallying - I have to GO NOW. So on my way to the shower I hurriedly turned to lift the lid, and in turning back to sit I stepped on the heel of my left slipper with my right foot, and down I went. I yelled as I went, and when I hit the wall I heard something crack (in the wall, not in me)...there isn't a lot of space in the corner where the toilet is so I got a bit wedged. I was able to extricate myself in just a minute though it seemed like a lot longer...

Pete hadn't heard me fall from the living room, I was already starting to hurt, but he insisted on staying in the bathroom while I showered. Probably a good thing because by the time I got out my out-of-use muscles were really starting to hurt. As I was drying off the spasms started around my rib cage from the arthritis in my spine which evidently wasn't happy about being twisted as I went down.

I took a flexaril, Pete rubbed some Nature's Inventory Back Soothe (this is GREAT STUFF, my friend Heidi sells it, let me know if you're interested in finding out more!!) on my back, and I got dressed...

Now it's been a couple of hours, and my muscles across my belly and back and around my entire rib cage hurt, as well as the ones in my left arm and up the left side of my neck, and the backs of my thighs. Falling is a big fear of mine and today that fear was reality. And yeah, it's just as bad as I remember it.

NASA's Voyager 1 reaches outskirts of the solar system (photos) | TechRepublic Photo Gallery

AMAZING!!!!! Yet still a tiny speck to the great God who created it all!

Monday, December 20, 2010

Day 19 - Lots of Improvement!

(NOTE: If you are seeing this on Facebook, please go to my blog - chiachatter.blogspot.com - to see my whole post. I don't make my points in the first paragraph, which is all that shows up on my Facebook page :).)

First of all, it was exciting to be able to sleep on my sides - both of them - early this morning! I was able to get the bean bag out of the bed and sleep normally. I got a lot of good rest and am looking forward to sleeping well again tonight, in my natural position! I still use the bean bag for times like this, when I am sitting in bed with Nellie (my netbook), but during the day my 20-month-old grandson had a great time with it :).

Pain levels were WAY down. I took something when I first got up, which is always uncomfortable as my insides get shifted around and start bumping into each other (at least that's what it feels like!) and as I have my first food of the day. But then I didn't need anything else until late this afternoon when aforementioned grandson tried to climb on me as I tried to keep him from doing so, and somehow his knee ended up in my belly with his body coming down right behind it. When the pain didn't subside within a few minutes I took something and came into the bedroom with Nellie to protect myself. But I hardly used any pain meds today.

I was more active today as well, although husband's concern kept me from doing too much (as is my habit the first time I start feeling better after any illness or whatever). But if I feel this good tomorrow my plan is to do a little bit more in the morning, see if it causes me any distress, and if not, do a little more and a little more. I need to be rejoining my own life, if that makes any sense.

I am also almost completely comfortable playing my keyboards now, sitting up straight and stretching my belly in so doing. In fact, I can reach the floor now if I go slowly. Twisting and stretching are still uncomfortable but I feel I can do it if I have to. The things that still cause actual pain are lifting and reaching - quite a shortened list from just a few days ago!

(Seems like there was something else I wanted to mention that was good news but now I can't think of it...)

So I would say that all is going much better, and tomorrow I will do a few more of my normal activities and see what happens!

Oh, And I Almost Forgot...

(NOTE: If you are seeing this on Facebook, please go to my blog - chiachatter.blogspot.com - to see my whole post. I don't make my points in the first paragraph, which is all that shows up on my Facebook page :).)

...I can sleep on my sides now! I wake up sore but not in terrible pain as I have for the first couple of weeks post-surg...but sleeping on my sides is my naturally preferred way, and I am so happy that I can finally do it without awakening myself with pain from trying!

I am still sleeping on the bean bag but probably tonight I will attempt sleep without it. Now that I am side-sleeping it is starting to get in my way. But it was excellent - necessary even! - to help me get comfortable when the pain was still so great when I moved. I highly recommend one to anybody having a majory surgery, especially one where movement causes pain!

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Day 18, Plus Other Stuff

(NOTE: If you are seeing this on Facebook, please go to my blog - chiachatter.blogspot.com - to see my whole post. I don't make my points in the first paragraph, which is all that shows up on my Facebook page :).)

I spent half the night reading about the procedure I had. Previously I had studied it from the perspective of one who was going to have the surgery; now I am reading more about post-fundoplication experiences, diets, issues, and life.

The thing that I can't get over is how much the articles and first-hand accounts vary. Doctors instructions go from "stick with clear liquids for a week, full liquids for a week, soft foods for 3 weeks, then start slowly with foods that require chewing - chew very well, eat tiny bites..." and so forth, to "take a few days to get back to your normal diet." (!!!!!) And some doctors recommend starting out with soft cooked cereals and vegetables, only later adding dairy and any form of meats; others recommend no vegetables for several weeks, or dairy first thing, or any other variations on the theme.

My own doctor, while giving me very very few guidelines, did tell me that carbonated beverages would never be part of my future (some docs online say wait a month), and that it would be a very long time, maybe even up to a year, before I should even try bread or raw vegetables (VERY well-chewed); some people online are eating sandwiches within 2 weeks.

As pertains to activity, many people are back to work in 2-3 weeks. My doctor's partner to me to go easy on myself for the first 100 days which he deems "critical"! Some people go home the same day as the surgery; I barely felt strong enough after 5 days! It is incredible the extreme discrepancies...

So, once again, I am taking my own surgeon's words - few as they are - to heart, the one who actually did the work, knows my history, knows my issues, and knows the work that he did. After that, as I've mentioned, I'm being conservative. If I hurt, I don't push myself. If I do something that doesn't hurt or only causes a minor discomfort, I use that activity to continue to build strength. If I have issues with a certain food, I back off and try again later. And so forth.

All of that to say, either there ARE no hard-and-fast rules for post-fundoplication recovery, or else each one of us is another pioneer unto our own path.

I am finding this to be a very lonely road.

Day 18 isn't much different from day 17.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Day 17 - 3 Steps Forward, 2 Steps Back

(NOTE: If you are seeing this on Facebook, please go to my blog - chiachatter.blogspot.com - to see my whole post. I don't make my points in the first paragraph, which is all that shows up on my Facebook page :).)

Awful day today. That's what I get for bragging about how well I was doing yesterday, I guess! Lots of pain with any movement at all, ate ok but my tummy never did feel exactly comfortable with food today. And my body was so exhausted I slept all afternoon - even after a pretty good night's sleep! So what is it telling me, that I'm doing too much? Or simply that it needs a day of rest to do what it's trying to do? I choose the latter.

And my mantra today has been something that Anne H wrote on my blog back on Day 4: "Recovery is not always linear!" I love that, and it fits perfectly and reminds me that my body is doing the right things - just not at the steady pace I want it to do.

Lord, thank you for this lesson in patience!

Friday, December 17, 2010

Day 16: Baby Steps

(NOTE: If you are seeing this on Facebook, please go to my blog - chiachatter.blogspot.com - to see my whole post. I don't make my points in the first paragraph, which is all that shows up on my Facebook page :).)

Gradually I have been able to reduce the painkillers. Today I will just have 3 doses, and one of those doses is ibuprofen, so I'm taking less than half the narcotic that I had been taking during the time I was recovering at my sister's. (The first 5 days, in the hospital, I was getting various narcotics day and night, so I'm not even counting that.)

Speaking of narcotics (have I written this before?): As my gut issues were so bad my doctor hadn't allowed me to take any aspirin or NSAIDs, and because my liver enzymes are coming back as elevated at least half the time, she didn't want me to take acetaminophen either. So for all of my pain (mostly arthritis - spine/hips/knees/foot) she has had me taking narcotics with a higher hydrocodone level but lower acetaminophen level. I have found that to be far inferior to just plain aspirin in most cases, but at least it made me not really care too much that the pain itself wasn't being adequately relieved. And now that my gut surgeon has given me the OK to take aspirin and NSAIDs again, and having taken so much narcotic for the last couple of years, I'm extremely happy to be able to lessen my doses as quickly as I can. I'm not only taking it less often now, I'm also decreasing the doses at the same time.

Anyway, today when at rest I have been able to downgrade to "uncomfortable" rather than painful, and decreasing the amount of narcotic, and not having become breathless with exertion or exercise today, I am happy to see several "baby steps" at once :). Last night I woke up sleeping on my side and it wasn't the horrible searing pain that has caused in the past - it was very uncomfortable instead which is a huge improvement. Biggest causes of pain are still bending/stretching/twisting/reaching/lifting, and if I'm not super-vigilant when I'm eating; most other things are now downgraded to various levels of discomfort - AWESOME!

I talk about how and what I am eating, and how I am reintroducing foods into my diet on my other blog, but I will say that I think it may have been a little soon to add the ground beef. I didn't get many guidelines from my surgeon but I wrote before about how I am doing this I think? I did ok with the beef, it went down, hasn't made me ill (although there is the instance about which I wrote in my other blog...), but it does leave me with a heavy feeling in my gut that doesn't go away for a couple of hours. So I think I'm going to back off of it for a while and go back to chicken and fish and egg sources of protein.

One last thing that has nothing to do with the surgery - well, not THIS surgery at least: In September I had a cataract surgery on my left eye. (Briefly, in case you don't want to go back and read about it, the cataract was OLD, my pupil was white, the fluid in my all was 100% cloudy, and from disuse my brain stopped communicating with my eye, so it star-gazed upward and outward; I have been blind in that eye for several years.) This week I picked up my new glasses, which are TOTALLY different from the glasses I got after my first cataract surgery in 2004, and have worn ever since. And the world is a completely new place compared to what it was to me just a few short months ago! The only thing is with reading music at my keyboards; I can either pull my head back about 6" and look through the upper part, or I can lean forward and look through the lower part. Probably the first option is the best since my back is hunched anyway (and has been since I was a teen if not earlier). But for now I will keep my old pair between my keyboards and wear those when I play. (It also hurts my gut to sit up with the keyboard at the proper height but that will go away the more I do it.)

So that is my news from the last couple of days :).

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

...and Learned the Hard Way

(NOTE: If you are seeing this on Facebook, please go to my blog - chiachatter.blogspot.com - to see my whole post. I don't always make my point in the first paragraph, which is all that shows up on my Facebook page. I mean, if you actually want to see it all :).)

I am home, finally. After a stop at Walmart to pick up my new glasses...oh yeah, and the baby needs milk - and while we're here, I'd love some swiss cheese to go with my tuna! oops, we're out of... And before I know it was have a half-dozen bags of groceries, I'm literally ready to fall off my cart when it turns a corner, and I'm biting my lip from the pain under my right rib cage and the middle of my gut. I know I haven't literally hurt/pulled/ripped anything - but this will NOT happen again. I am staying home, unless *I* want to go somewhere for a walk or whatever.

My wonderful dear husband is now torn. He's trying desperately to find work - ANY work (he can do anything, and has a great old-fashioned work ethic!) as we've been without an income for 2 months and our savings are now depleted - and he wants to be here for me, take care of me, NEEDS to be here for me. And he's watching our grandson - my job but I can't do it - and the birds and the dogs and the house... I am worse than no help. I am an added burden to him. A burden he wants to carry but with everything else it is hard on him and it is my nature to try to help.

But I won't, not for a while. I can't. This is too important. He understands that. Still, after 24 hours together I see that he is carrying a lot...it is difficult, I need to let it be difficult though. It's only been 2 weeks and I hurt more than anytime since I left the hospital 9 days ago. So I just can't do anything about it right now.

My sheer exhaustion and 8-out-of-10 pain level is telling me so, in no uncertain terms, right now...

Some Things I Learned This Morning

(NOTE: If you are seeing this on Facebook, please go to my blog - chiachatter.blogspot.com - to see my whole post. I don't always make my point in the first paragraph, which is all that shows up on my Facebook page. I mean, if you actually want to see it all :).)

I knew it would be hard to stay uninvolved - physically - from the things going on around me once I got home but thought I could do it. I didn't do so well today, my first morning home, and am paying the price...

Pete has an appt. in Saginaw at 9:45 this morning. It is a 2-hour drive. With the icy roads we allowed extra time, and planned to leave at 7:15. And had to get the baby ready to go with us.

As Pete was trying to fix some eggs for the baby and I, I worked on packing some snacks and drinks for him, which entailed reaching to a top cupboard shelf. It hurt; I sat down with my tea and meds and eggs. Pete was running around trying to get everything ready to go so I helped with dressing Leelan. Ouch. Because of the rush, I ate my 3 bites of eggs too fast, or didn't chew them well, or something; now, 2 hours later, I'm still hurting. Then, a few minutes ago, I twisted around in my seat to see what Leelan was doing when he started to whine. MAJOR OUCH!

Right now I'm really hurting, but mostly wondering how am I going to not get involved when things need to be done? At my sister's it was easy because none of the activity was "my stuff" - now it is. And I thought I could not get involved...this is too important, I have to figure something out here...this can't continue. Meanwhile the baby is fussing in the back seat...

Gwen was right, this morning is too much.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Lovely To Be Home!

It was a long day. Lots of riding in the car which is exhausting and not comfortable...but not as painful as it was on my way back to Gwen's from the hospital. Got home and my wonderful husband had the house so clean and tidy - better than I do! He brought in, and put away, my loads of stuff from the last 2 weeks as I rested in my recliner and greeted my dogs (good thing I put a pillow over my belly for protection!).

Had my post-surgical checkup this afternoon with my surgeon's PA. Everything seems to be coming along fine. The hard lump around my navel is a hematoma that will eventually be absorbed. I had a long list of questions, and all were answered to my satisfaction. I was especially glad to learn that I can once again take aspirin and NSAIDs. Because my liver enzymes tend to go above normal levels so often, my doctor doesn't like me to take tylenol. And because my stomach has been so bad for so long, she hasn't allowed aspirin or NSAIDs either. So just for arthritis pain I have had to take narcotics, and have found them to be much less effective. She gives me the kinds that have a lot of narcotic with just a little tylenol, and I guess they work from the perspective that I don't care so much about the pain. But I now can start taking regular aspirin (my best resource) or motrin again, or for more severe pain, I can take a larger dose of motrin and alternate it with a small dose of tylenol, which gives me better relief for almost anything than narcotics do. This was great news!

I can drive again 3 weeks post-op; have sex carefully as comfort/lack of pain dictates; lift my grandson after 4 weeks from a higher elevation (he can climb onto furniture and I can pick him up from there), eat oopsies without the same issues bread causes (I won't be able to have bread for a very long time, if ever), and so forth. All is going well and with care should continue to do so. I will see the surgeon again on January 14th.

The PA re-iterated that the first 100 days will be critical to my healing, so I plan to take good care of myself, do the best I can nutritionally and every other way. He also told me that it will be a year before I am fully healed, and that sometimes it even takes a little longer. He said that my brain will be under some effects of anesthesia for over a month, and between that and the impact on my body from the stresses of this kind of surgery, my exhaustion and feeling drained is to be expected for at least that long.

So all is well, I am home, my dear husband is taking good care of me, and I will continue to concentrate on doing everything I can to heal well - it's the only chance I have to do it right, and the rest of my life depends on it :).

Going Home - Day 13

I am so very very thankful for this time to recover at my sister's house for the last 8 days! The whole family has be so helpful, and as I have been gaining strength they have offered whatever support I needed. This has been an extremely important part of my continuing recovery and there are no words to thank them enough!

This afternoon I see my surgeon in Midland. My husband will meet us there, and then take me home. I am ready I think. I have warned him that I can't just pick up where I left off on November 30th. I can take care of myself, pretty much. I can do some things. I need to walk and exercise. But I can't lift, still have pain with twisting or stretching or reaching, and still can't reach down to the floor from a standing position to pick something up. But I will be home, and I will do what I can and continue to push myself a little bit each day.

Last night, going to the Bug Man Christmas party at Hershey's in East Lansing, was great! It felt so good to go out for supper and spend time with friends! I had been concerned about what I'd be able to eat but they had some potato-crusted cod, and I ordered a baked potato without the skin. The cod was AMAZING and I ate about a dozen bites. I sliced the end off the potato and smashed it and buttered it well, and it too was absolutely delicious! But of course the company was the best :). The guys and their wives are all delightfully wonderfully nice and funny (loved Rick's quote, "If you're going to be stupid you'd better be tough!"), and there is always a lot of laughter and fellowship in Christ! What a great group I work with, even though Christmas is the only time I see them - lol. But now I can't wait to get back to work in the spring!

I'm still in bed but need to get up and showered and packed, and eat some leftover cod and potato for breakfast!

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Hard to Believe it is Day 11 Already!

(NOTE: If you are seeing this on Facebook, please go to my blog - chiachatter.blogspot.com - to see my whole post. I don't always make my point in the first paragraph, which is all that shows up on my Facebook page. I mean, if you actually want to see it all :).)

Yesterday Gwen took me to Menard's so I could walk. I feel the need for exercise, and Menard's was a great choice even for the 2nd-Saturday-before-Christmas! Wide aisles, very well-lit, and not crowded as the mall or Walmart would be. I was able to walk the inner perimeter of the store - not the very outside aisles, but the next-smaller perimeter. Stopped a few times to rest and catch my breath but made it all the way around. At the end my legs were wobbly and I was really winded but it was worth it! The fresh cold air and the exercise really helped me. I wish I could do it every day! (And, as a side note, Menard's has changed a LOT since the last time I was there, right after the store opened, when I still lived down here!)

I ate pretty well yesterday: spread my SF-jello-and-yogurt breakfast out over a couple of hours, then had a supper of potato flakes browned in butter, then a layer a cheese, then a beaten egg poured over it all. Have to say it was not only the most elaborate meal I've had since my surgery but also my most filling! I did eat the whole egg though (potato flakes and shredded cheese about a Tbsp combined, if that) and that was good! Then had the remainder of my tuna/mayo later in the evening. So I did well. But I'm still craving vegetables. I will try a sweet potato (no skin of course) when I get home, I haven't had a veggie in 2 weeks except a couple bites of pureed carrot in the hospital.

Not a whole lot new to report other than the trip to Menard's, except that I'm still having so much pain. Seems to be coming from a big hard lump around my navel, and it pulls from all directions and hurts enough that I sometimes want to cry. It is also increasing in size. If not for that I think I would be much more comfortable, as this pain is overpowering the rest of the belly pain that I've been experiencing, to the point that I can't even tell if the other pain is still there. It is pretty severe and I'm not sure why it is appearing now and getting worse each day...but I see the surgeon on Tuesday, so I guess we'll find out then...and then I am going home! I have certainly appreciated this time at Gwen's to recover, and I certainly need much more time, but I think if I am very very careful, and with the help of my wonderful husband and daughter, I can do it there. I have been very comfortable and had lots of help to get stronger here, and just love the time with my sister and her family...but of course there is no place like home :).

Friday, December 10, 2010

Day 9: Antibiotics and Pain

Today the pain was much worse, but I know why: last night I kept waking up on my side. That is my standard position for sleep, and for some reason I kept reverting to it throughout the night, And it HURT! I haven't been able to lay on my side since the surgery, it is WAY too painful. And today I paid for it. So tonight I put the dreaded "girdle" back on. Because it caused that enormous, painful, seepy rash the last time I wore it, it is on over a t-shirt and not touching my skin. The support is already helping with the pain - I wish I would have worn it all day, now, rather than suffer.

The results of last night's blood work came in, apparently I have a UTI. Started on cipro today.

I feel that I'm losing ground with strength though. I walk "laps" around my sister's house, and I use the apparatus from the respiratory therapist many times a day, but I'm starting to get winded again. So Gwen has agreed to take me to Menard's so that I can walk around tomorrow. I don't know how far I will get but I do know it is what I need.

Ate pretty well, maybe a whole cup of food all together! Had the applesauce/yogurt/cinnamon/sweetener for breakfast, almost half of a small can of tuna with plenty of mayo for lunch, and for "supper" some lime SF jello with cottage cheese. I had slightly - very slightly! - larger portions today, but I absolutely must stop eating at the first sign of satiation. Any more and I'm in pain. So I'm constantly listening to my body, chewing until food is completely liquified, and allowing 30 seconds MINIMUM between bites. I had no idea how fast I ate before, but watching the clock now is very revealing.

And I burped a couple of times today too - YAY! So many people who have this surgery can no longer burp that I am thankful I dodged that particular bullet!

This isn't weight loss surgery but I'm losing weight fairly quickly. I crave my good low carb meats and veggies, and am finally starting to look forward to being able to eat them again.

I know that in time I will be able to eat more normally, and once I get home I will start more aggressively adding in new foods as I heal. I will love the day when I can have a juicy cheeseburger (no bun of course, that's no different than before) with SF ketchup and mayo! :)

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Day 8 and Blood Sugar/Insulin Thoughts

(NOTE: If you are seeing this on Facebook, please click below to see the entire post or go to my blog itself. I don't always make my point in the first paragraph, which is all that shows up on my Facebook page. I mean, if you actually want to see it all :).)

For up to 48 hours now I have had chills - low-grade fever (my normal is 97.2, so 99.7 would be like 101.1 if 98.6 were the guideline) - increased pain. The lortab syrup today didn't help the pain much, it brings the fever down into the 97's for a couple of hours, then it shoots right back up. Also my urine output has been less much than half of my intake, and very very dark. And today, no appetite at all. For lunch I ate half of a little peach sorbet with a spoonful of plain yogurt mixed in, then I only ate half of the mixture...so less than 1/4c. My stomach didn't want food this evening but my mouth wanted a slice of american cheese, which I broke into small pieces and sucked on, one at a time, lest I make my stomach mad at me :).

And still I drink. I drink water until I feel ready to burst. All day I am drinking water, and all day I feel stuffed and sloshing inside.

So this afternoon my sister had me fax my surgeon over in Midland (over an hour away) with what's going on. He faxed back an order for a UA and blood work. Getting that done made my sister miss her daughters' Christmas program at school :(. Tomorrow morning he will let us know what's up.

I want to eat. In particular I want some tuna fish with mayo. But my stomach says it isn't hungry. So I keep gagging down water in case I'm dehydrated (my sister knows more about these things than I do.)

I also want to mention something curious. My blood sugar is great, right around 100 first thing in the morning, it doesn't really vary that much as far as I can tell, and after 6.5 years of low carbing, I can tell :). But during my surgery it shot up to 247. So they put me on insulin. I don't know how much or when or how since I was drugged up for the first 2 days and it was all over by the time I was alert enough to question. The next morning (Friday) it was 141 first thing and they were going to give me more insulin. I said that couldn't be right, and after another test a short while later it was 127 so they didn't. And it never went over 114 after that, usually right around 100-106, though they were testing 4 times a day for the remainder of my hospitalization. I find it all very curious, and - though I'm sure this isn't the case - it seemed to me that they almost wanted me to be diabetic. It's just not right, an overweight middle-aged woman who isn't, right?

Ok, so tomorrow I want to eat tuna and mayo. I sure hope I can get permission from my stomach!

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

It's Still All About The Food

(NOTE: If you are seeing this on Facebook, please click below to see the entire post or go to my blog itself. I don't always make my point in the first paragraph, which is all that shows up on my Facebook page. I mean, if you actually want to see it all :).)

I'm posting this to both of my blogs, and those who only follow ChiaChatter will have to go to yesterday's post to see details of my recent surgery, if you want to get up to speed.

Thinking of how I am now eating, food is still my passion. The big difference is, how can I make my miniscule (2-3 Tbsp) meals a little more interesting, especially given my current limitations? Especially since I have to eat so freakin' many of them to get even a minimum of nutrition into my system...

My doctor has said that I can eat anything except bread, raw veggies, and - oh, I can't think of the other thing, but I won't be eating it anyway. Because he instructed me only to avoid those 3 areas, and chew well.

But before I had the surgery I did ALL kinds of research, from pdf instructions sheets of other docs who do the procedure, to medical sites, to a forum especially for fundoplication patients. And the vast majority, in talking about getting back to regular food, have much more specific instructions or experience. So, because the failure rate of this surgery is so high, and because the side effects can be disastrous, I am electing to collect all of the knowledge I gained, and create my own plan based upon the most conservative and logical of them all. I want to have the best possible outcome with the fewest possible post-surgical issues, and feel I need to be my own best "meal planner". It seems to me that most of those who are living with awful lifetime side effects or have had to repeat the surgery didn't go the most conservative route. I may be wrong, but this is how I am proceeding.

24 hours after surgery I was put on clear liquids. 48 hours post op I was put on full liquids. This includes things like yogurt and custard. The first day I ate only yogurt. I could only eat a couple of bites at a time without feeling uncomfortable, so I nibbled at it all day. The next day I included a few bites of cream of wheat with butter (yeah, they consider that liquid), and my doctor said that if I wanted to try soft food, he would change the order. So Saturday I tried some tilapia. The kitchen sent up rice with it though, and I put a few grains on the tip of my fork. Big mistake, lots of pain. I walked as far as I could to help things pass.

I think I need to insert here that my esophagus is considerably smaller than it was where it empties into my stomach. Stuff can get stuck. I have to eat taking tiny (1/2 tsp) bites, and chewing my food to a liquid consistency. I cannot drink more than a few tiny sips while eating (google "dumping syndrome"), or for 30 minutes before or after. Any foods that are hard to digest (including fiber), have skins, or seeds, or nuts, or cause gas, or could swell after swallowing or are carbonated - all off limits for now. So I need to get the maximum nutrition into the minimum intake, and the maximum hydration into the minimal time I have between the tiny meals - while observing the above cautions. Should something get stuck, I can take small sips of very warm (can't have anything very hot or very cold either) water and try to walk it off.

The problem on Saturday evening was that I was in the throes of pneumonia, weak as a kitten, and could only walk a short distance before becoming wobbly and winded. But it did pass, and I decided I would wait a few more days before trying soft or softened solid foods again.

Sunday I continued with yogurt, and added custard. Monday morning before my discharge I ate half of a scrambled egg. Introducing only 1-2 "new" foods a day is part of my conservative dietary after-care per one of the instructions sheets I'd read.

I was still living with a lot of pain when I was discharged, and no appetite to speak of. The hour+ ride to my sister's left me very weak; liquid lortab helped with the pain. I added both applesauce and cottage cheese to my diet that evening without a bad result.

Yesterday I got a little experimental, and discovered that 2 spoons of plain full fat yogurt with 1 spoon of applesauce, sprinkled with cinnamon, and stir in a drop of liquid sucralose - creamy apple pie in a dish! This was my first really enjoyable dish. And for supper, a small piece of leftover potato, put through the chopper with some milk and butter until creamy and smooth, and heated. Who would have thought that a leftover potato could taste so amazing??

Today I had some SF jello with a scoop of cottage cheese that lasted me for several hours (about 1/2c total). Just now I took some of my broth that I'd saved up from my pre-surgical meals (frozen), and heated it with a chunk of butter, then mixed in a few mashed potato flakes to thicken. I let it sit for quite a while to make sure the flakes were fully "inflated" before I ate it. In fact I am still eating it, and it will last throughout the evening most likely. It was delightful to taste my own seasonings again.

So it is all about baby steps - and baby bites! - and patience and listening to my own body. If my stomach starts sending out the "full" message, one more bite will cause pain. And today is the first day I have really felt hunger. To me this is a good thing, a sign of healing. So many people are unable to burp or vomit after this procedure that these issues are to be almost expected, although I have been able to burp a few times. And life of flatulence will also be a result. Lots and lots of flatulence...

Whereas before I took great satisfaction in a delicious plate full of food, in creating an entire glorious meal, now it is much more simple - just blending a couple of flavors to keep the boredom at bay, and the anticipation and even excitement of adding in a new food every now and again.

Everything will be different from now on. But given what I have suffered the last 19 years, progressing to what it became the last few (my husband, daughter, and sister are really the only ones who know the extent of that), this is a small price to pay to get my life back. As time goes on it will become natural, and I will also be able to eat more normally. Doc says a year to heal completely, the first 100 days will be critical. And it is these 100 days that I don't want to do anything to mess it all up. Baby steps, slow and steady...and simple pleasures like apple pie in a bowl where I can find them :).

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Another post-surgical report

(NOTE: If you are seeing this on Facebook, please click below to see the entire post or go to my blog itself. I don't always make my point in the first paragraph, which is all that shows up on my Facebook page. I mean, if you actually want to see it all :).)

I have now completed day 5 successfully. There is still a LOT of pain, and now itching and burning also: the binder that I had to wear around my middle caused not only a massive rash that looks the worst sunburn ever around my middle, but the skin is raw as well. I spent my last night in the hospital (Sunday night/Monday morning) sleeping very well, though, on IV Benadryl - they could've done another surgery and I don't think I would have known - and ice packs.

I guess I will have a bit of a recovery - a full year according to my doctor's partner, who I saw on Sunday, but the first 100 days will be the most important. I am slowly adding soft foods. I will never again be able to have carbonated beverages (or anything containing them such as slushies or punch or boston coolers) but a small price to pay...nor can I drink from straws again. Raw vegetables and bread, perhaps way off in the future, perhaps never. For now my diet is very restricted and I can count on 2 hands what I've had to eat in the last 6 days. But since I can only eat a few bites at a time (will have to eat up to 12 times a day, depending on which doctor I'm talking to, but the minimum seems to be 6), that's not an issue.

For the moment, I can't have anything with shells (like peas) or seeds, no "gassy" or fibrous vegetables (like cabbage family, most root veggies), no nuts, citrous, caffeine, tomato, chocolate...meat must be ground very fine, and moistened, and my doc recommends chicken and fish for their easier digestibility for the time being.

Everybody seems to be real curious as to what I had done. Actually I had 3 procedures in one: a hiatal hernia repair, a nissen fundoplication, and an umbilical hernial repair. The fundoplication is often done concurrently with the hiatal hernia repair these days, often enough that the line between the 2 procedures is becoming blurred, but you can have the HH repair without the NF certainly, or the other way around. But the issues that bring about the need for one or the other are often the same, and therefore they are often done together.

My stomach was in my chest. This caused not only my severe digestive issues and pain, but shortness of breath that made all but the shortest walks or simplest tasks impossible. My doctor first brought that back down into place, then repaired the "larger-than-expected" hole in my diaphragm. Then he pulled the fundus (top part of my stomach) around the lower end of my esophagus, wrapping it around like a hot dog bun around a wiener, and stitched it permanantly into place. This supports the damaged (when I was pregnant, 20 years ago) lower esophageal sphincter, or LES, and also recreated the angle that had been pulled out of place due to the hiatal hernia, that should have existed where the stomach met the esophagus. And lastly he repaired the umbilical hernia, stitching in the standard mesh to support the area.

This isn't a weight loss surgery, although my doctor had discussed doing a lap band at the same time - something I didn't want to do, for several reasons - but I will lose weight as a result, at least at first. First, my diet is quite limited and the foods that I am eating - scrambled egg, yogurt, cottage cheese - are pretty low carb. I won't be eating sweets and grains for a while yet, although cream of wheat or cream of rice is allowed, and I had one "meal" of it in the hospital. I don't think the carbs in the 2Tbsp that I can eat has enough carb to worry about :). I also had applesauce today - again, 2 Tbsp won't add weight, and my options are so limited that my main concern right now is just getting adequate nourishment from the minute amount of food that I'm able to consume. Still, I exist mostly on yogurt, cottage cheese, and just yesterday added scrambled egg.

As I am able to start adding more foods, and eat larger portions, I will of course continue on the same low carb path as I have followed the last 6-1/2 years. The plan is to not stretch or stress the new stomach area, obviously not returning to the large portions of my past. Combined with low carb eating, I expect that weight loss may continue. I hadn't wanted to lose more weight even though I'm still quite overweight (for reasons of my own) but in the interest of having the best possible outcome from this whole thing I will do so.

There is a LOT more pain than I had expected. Due to the diaphragm repair, every movement has been inhibited, although that is starting to get easier. You don't realize how important that muscle is until you have pain every time you use it! I have 6 holes in my belly (looks like I've been stabbed multiple times in a bar fight!) but the pain from those is minimal and I'm thankful he didn't have to revert to the open surgery.

The first 2 days are pretty much a blur, as I was on high amounts of pain killers and was either saying silly things (according to others) or sleeping. The next 3 days were just pain and weakness, now with the pneumonia added to the mix. But according to my sister, who stayed at the hospital 24/7 with me, she saw continuous improvements - and yes, I can see them also, in hindsight. Those 5 days in the hospital I went from not being able to sit up by myself, to getting out of bed and walking with only my walker for help, taking my own shower with minimal help, sitting in a chair, etc. So yes, those were great improvements given the extent of the surgery and the added issue of the pneumonia.

So I am now settled at my sister's for a week to continue getting stronger and learning how to eat and resting, exercising, and recovering. I'm homesick like crazy so I try not to think about it. I miss my husband more than I can even say, and can't wait to see him again next week. We have Skype at least :).

I will continue to write about my recovery and also diet changes, as so many people aren't familiar with the procedure (which is somewhat controversial due to its high failure rate and numbers of pretty awful side effects, but that's another post) - even many of the staff in the hospital I had to educate. Good thing I was so thorough in my research beforehand, eh? :)

Lastly I just want to say that the care I got from the staff at MidMichigan Midland hospital was EXCEPTIONAL! They really worked hard to control my pain and help me to recover and get "home" as quickly as possible. I was truly amazed, this was head and shoulders above any other hospital experience I have had. Everyone was so great!

So I will try to get back to sleep now, and write more when I am thus inspired. Thanks for reading :).

Saturday, December 4, 2010

3 days Later...

(NOTE: If you are seeing this on Facebook, please click below to see the entire post or go to my blog itself. I don't always make my point in the first paragraph, which is all that shows up on my Facebook page. I mean, if you actually want to see it all :).)

I haven't felt up getting on my computer, or doing anything else actually, and still don't. But I can do a short update,

Surgery was long and tough as expected. I survived, as expected. Would have been discharged yesterday if I hadn't developed pneumonia - not expected. Who would have thought that, for a woman who does everything I do taking care of my home and family and a toddler, that walking 15' down the hall would be such an exhausting and difficult task??? Or writing in my blog...so that's it for today...

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Today Is The Day

(NOTE: If you are seeing this on Facebook, please click below to see the entire post or go to my blog itself. I don't always make my point in the first paragraph, which is all that shows up on my Facebook page. I mean, if you actually want to see it all :).)

In about half an hour I will be leaving for the hospital for my life-changing surgery. I anticipate all will go well, with all of the prayers of my family and friends and knowing that God holds me always in the palm of His hand. Nothing happens to me that He doesn't allow, or cause, and He is faithful. I am planning on a positive outcome in spite of the relatively high numbers of failures (3-4 of every 10 according to WebMD) that can cause lifelong issues which can be way worse than the ones the surgery is intended to correct. I have faith that I won't be in that number but if I am it is because God has a purpose for me in that condition and in that case, I will still consider it good. Even if He decides it is my day to go home, it will be good. So it is win win win no matter what, but of course, the probability and the hope and the plan are for remission of the pain and other symptoms. This is a "last resort" surgery, and the key to my future.

Things will be different afterward. Even though it is NOT weight loss surgery, how I eat will be changed. Once I'm past the clear liquid stage...then the full liquid stage...then the soft foods...and so on until I'm eating everything I can, there are certain foods I may never be able to eat again, or not for many months, but it will be worth that sacrifice. Whether I want to or not, I will have to lose more weight (ugh, I HATE HATE HATE the saggy skin!) so that it doesn't fail. As a foodie, these things are more concerning to me than today surgery itself, but whatever comes God and I will deal with it. I will just have to be a different kind of foodie I guess :). I changed how I shopped/cooked/ate when I went low carb 6-1/2 years ago, I can do it again if need be!

I expect to be back online by tomorrow, if not today. Not sure if the hospital has internet or, if not, if my internet stick will get a good enough signal there. I should only have to be in there for a couple of days if all goes well. I'm so thankful for the people who have made this happen, who followed God's leading and are doing so much for me, there aren't words big enough to say it but I think they know...

As soon as hubby gets the car loaded (I'll be staying at my sister's for a while afterward so I have "stuff") we'll be off!

Sunday, November 28, 2010

*SMACK* Between the Eyes

I love church. I can't remember a single Sunday that I didn't come away with something that stayed with me and helped me grow as a Christian or in my relationship to Christ - not a single time. God uses every message our pastor gives in one way or another in my growth.

So I have come to anticipate God speaking the things I need to hear every week through him, but today was something altogether different. Of the most pressing spiritual areas I'm pondering or struggling with, he hit them all. Bing, bang, boom! But there is one thing I wanted to write about because of its relevance in my life right now: I have been using the wrong shield!

The following is a direct quote from today's sermon, in reference to the shield of faith in Ephesians chapter 6 (that I thought I knew all about!):

"Many are using the wrong shield. We try to conquer the temptations & flesh in our own strength.
We fail time & time again, yet we keep trying, hoping that some day we will get it right.
Often we are not properly using the shield, & wondering why we are not victorious against the fiery arrows of the evil one. We have the Word of God, we know the Word of God, but we don’t practice the Word of God.
"James 1:22 says, 'Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.'”

Here's where I go wrong! I do listen to the Word and I do do what it says in most cases - ie, not lying and stealing and murdering and such - but when it comes to conquering temptations and flesh, I vow to do better next time, or I try harder and harder each time...and like he said, I keep trying and hoping some day I'll get it right. Oh, I'll throw up a prayer, "I'm sorry I failed yet again, Father...help me to get it right next time." But what do I change? what do I DO, according to the Word in James 1:22? Do I keep doing the same things that lead to my failure, reading the Word, but not doing what it says in relation to my temptations and flesh? Do I USE the Word to know what to DO, what I need to change? Or do I listen to it, read it, and not change a thing yet still attempt to "do better" next time? Do I have believe that the shield of faith can protect me...but then just leave it hanging on the wall and not pick it up and put in front of me?

"Yeah, God, I know that shield hanging on the wall over there will protect me, I read all about it, blah blah blah...now let me get back to trying to gain a little ground against this temptation here...oh, and will you help me please?"

*SMACK*

Saturday, November 27, 2010

#Toddler Internet Sites (found for my almost-20MO grandson) #Christian

(NOTE: If you are seeing this on Facebook, please click below to see the entire post or go to my blog itself. I don't always make my point in the first paragraph, which is all that shows up on my Facebook page. I mean, if you actually want to see it all :).)

My grandson Leelan, who lives with us, enjoys watching videos online. I will post links to the playlists I have made for him, plus add websites that he either enjoys now, or I think he will enjoy once I get a chance to show him.

One thing: I don't push internet on him. It is more important for him to play with toys, use his imagination, run around, get exercise and fresh air, and learn to enjoy quiet times of peace within his own little self. I don't want him to be a child (or adult, eventually) who feels they must have constant input, constant sensory stimulation, and who has no idea what it means to just be still, feel peace, pray and quietly listen for God's still, small voice. It is more important that he can fall asleep when it is quiet, study without music blasting, and meditate on himself, other people, the world around him, God, and his relationship to them all. Internet, television, video games - these all prevent him from developing the most important ability of all, which is the ability to "Be still, and know that I am God." Very few children can just "be still" these days...

OK, that said, during those times when he has internet time, I want it to mean something or teach him something along with entertaining him and stimulating his senses. Hence this list.

YouTube playlists I have made up for him:
Leelan, Leelan2, and Leelan3 - collections of songs that he likes and of which I approve.
Singalongs - Some singalong songs with children playing and dancing as they sing
Bedtime - Calming songs and lullabies that he watches while we cuddle together in the evenings, to prepare him for sleep
Christmas - Toddler-appropriate songs about Christ's birth and what Christmas is about.

Smile of a Child TV - A WONDERFUL streaming channel for young children with great, entertaining, endearing Christian programming.

Booples - LEELAN LOVES THESE! Actually when he was just an infant, the Booples videos held his attention and he actually would move to their songs from an incredibly early age. Then he seemed to lose interest when he was about 7-8 months old. It's only in the last month or 2 that his interest has been reignited, and he can't get enough! So he watches here, and also has 2 DVDs.

Storyline Online - Made by the Screen Actors Guild, these are secular stories, read by SAG members.
Children's Storybook Online - Another secular site, but the parent reads the books to their child. A good selection of stories here!

These are the sites that I am currently using the most. Of course the websites for children are so numerous they couldn't possibly be listed here (or anywhere), but not all are suitable for all children. I choose mostly Christian-based sites, obviously, as there are no more important lessons for a child to learn than those of kindness, morality, love, and God's care for all of us. But secular sites can have their place if they don't have teachings that are contrary to God's Word, and teach good values as well.

I may revisit this topic in the future but as of today, these are the most popular sites in our home :).

In The Name Of Love

I am BLOWN AWAY by this blog...the videos...everything! I don't know when someone has really cut to the chase like she does, in such a REAL way! Praise God that He brought me to this site, He has really blessed this gal and she is sharing it with the world!


Web Series Channel | Your Guide to #WebSeries [Well now this is interesting...!]


this KINGDOM #video - The Kingdom isn't about the elite...this is so real it hurts. #gospel


Friday, November 26, 2010

Coming Down To The Wire

(NOTE: If you are seeing this on Facebook, please click below to see the entire post or go to my blog itself. I don't always make my point in the first paragraph, which is all that shows up on my Facebook page. I mean, if you actually want to see it all :).)

5 more days. I realized last night that I don't want to do this. Yes, I want - no, NEED - relief, and yes this is a last resort, and no nothing else has worked, and yes this is supposed to improve my quality of life. So why don't I want it? As bad as things are, my pain is a "known". Life after next Wednesday, according to what I've read on online forums for people who have had it, is a great "unknown". That there are a fairly large number of people who have serious side effects or whose procedure fails doesn't concern me as much, as I know that God's hands will be on those of my surgeon, and both my soul and my body are under His care. (If there is a failure of some sort, it will be because God chooses to use that - to use me - somehow for His glory, and I'd be ok with that too of course.)

So now Thanksgiving is over. I ate a plate of food, ate slowly, chewed well...and was sick until 6:00 this morning. These next 5 days will be spent on mostly liquids with small (a few bites) amounts of only those foods which will build up my body for the assault it is about to have on it. Plus I'm not sure how I will get my nutritional needs met in the days/weeks afterward, and my body will need all the nutrient support it can get for the healing. So I will be concentrating on quality protein in tiny amounts. I have been saving all of my meat juices, skimming off the fats and straining out every morsel of food, and freezing them for my clear liquids afterward, and plan to make a good marrow broth as well for the nutritional value.

I've been pushing myself to accomplish things these last couple of weeks, and by mid-day my body is screaming at me to stop but I always push just a little more, so much I want to get done before Wednesday. Yesterday making Thanksgiving dinner I had to slam down painkillers through the day just to get through it. Last night - well, early this morning - I decided that whatever didn't get done isn't going to happen now. No more pushing, no more eating, no more accomplishing. From now on it is just about preparing my body and my spirit and my mind...

It will all be fine, I'm not fearful, I just don't want to face the unknown. But I'm not facing it alone. Besides family and friends who will be with me I will be in a "God-cloud" through it all, as I always am. There's no room for fear but leaving the known, no matter how miserable and painful it is, for the unknown isn't something I am looking forward to. I will do it - I HAVE to do it - but I don't want to do it.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Fingernail Abnormalities - What do they mean?

Amplify’d from www.medicinenet.com
ealth Tip: Don't Ignore Fingernail Abnormalities
Health Tip: Don't Ignore Fingernail Abnormalities

HealthDay News) -- An abnormality in all or some of your fingernails can signal a potentially serious medical condition.

The U.S. National Library of Medicine offers these examples:

  • Sunken areas on the fingernail can signal malnourishment.
  • An abnormal shape to the fingernail, with ridges and an inward curve, can signal iron deficiency anemia.
  • White flecks in the nail can indicate leukonychia, which could be caused by factors including zinc deficiency or heavy metal poisoning.
  • An abnormal color or tenderness could indicate an infection, often caused by
    fungus or yeast.
  • Streaks of blood in the nail can signal an infection, notably effecting heart valves.

-- Diana Kohnle

Read more at www.medicinenet.com
 

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Hyperbole and a Half: Dogs Don't Understand Basic Concepts Like Moving [This is HYSTERICAL - lololol!!!]


Michigan Catholic Bishop to Hold Burial of Babies in Abortion Dumpster | LifeNews.com

I am so thankful that these babies are now in the loving arms of their Creator, and now know His love and protection for all eternity...


CCBS Craft & Gift Expo - Holt, MI - Fri/Sat this week - Gonna be GREAT!!! #lansing #michigan


Less Than Two Weeks....

...and as soon as I realized that, within seconds of opening my eyes this morning, I developed an instant headache and nausea. Instant. I talked to God about it, it isn't that I don't trust Him (how could I not?)...but putting myself into the hands of people in a profession that has betrayed and even damaged me in the past is overwhelming. I felt a sense of panic. What will happen to me when I am at their mercy? Thankfully I am here as a result of God's mercy, and His trumps theirs...but the headache and nausea remain.

I had my telephone pre-registration appointment this morning. Her name was Linda. She has parrots too. Discussing them set me at ease before the actual interroga...er...interview began. She was very nice, good sense of humor, going through medical issues herself - I liked her. Until the end. I can't wear my wedding rings (yes, I have 2 bands, a story for another time), and they are so adamant about that that if I show up for surgery with my rings on, it will be canceled. She said they are dead serious about that. My heart started racing, I felt panic, and like I needed to run away. She told me that if they won't come off (and they won't, no matter WHAT you try - trust me on this!) they need to be cut off. CUT OFF?!?!?!? I started to freak out; she went from pleasant to insistent and was approaching dictatorial, at least from my perspective. I couldn't wait to get off the phone and try to pretend it didn't happen. Pete assured me that the jeweler will be able to put the rings back together afterward so I can wear them again. He'd better, if he can't then I don't know what I will do...this is perhaps the most awful thing I've heard yet.

Maybe you - whoever you are - don't "get" my feelings about all of this. Of course you don't know my history or my past, or me, well enough to understand it. That's ok. Just accept at face value that there are good reasons for these panics-alternating-with-periods-of-acceptance-even-if-not-CALM-acceptance. I need to get through the next less than 2 weeks, and better than I am doing it today.

Less than 2 weeks. The symbols of my strongest earthly bond taken off. Less than 2 weeks. The unexpected. Less than 2 weeks. At the mercy of people I don't trust. Less than 2 weeks...less than 2 weeks...less than 2 weeks...

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

THIS Is How God Worked Today!

So today I had a miserable test in preparation for my upcoming surgery. Miserable! I had read quite a bit about it around the 'net, and knew it wouldn't be pleasant. Yesterday in fact, after reading all of the reports from people who have had it, I was dreading it. I had myself worked into quite a dither from dread actually. I knew I had to go through it and didn't want to...

Last night before bed my BFF from high school Shelly - still one of my besties - said that she would be praying and that they would pray in her Bible study group this morning also, and I knew other family and friends were praying too.

Let me just stop here and say that I don't get worked up about stuff like this, not about things I have no choice about. I typically put my head down like a bull and barrel through it, concentrating on the other side, but don't fret much beforehand. For some reason this was different and I had a huge sense of dread.

So this morning when I got up I found an email from Shelly with how she was praying: that all would go well, that this would lead to complete healing, that those around me would be Christians, that I would have a real sense of God's presence, that the test would go quickly and without incident...

I no sooner read that than my Bible-verse-of-the-day popped up on my cell phone. Today's verse was Isaiah 41:10 - I will strengthen and help you. I will uphold you with my right hand. WOW! Confirmation in NO uncertain terms!

With that confirmation, my fear and trepidation left me. I still wished I didn't have to go through the test but I had my assurance that God was with me. Yes, I knew that, but for Him to use others to confirm it to me there was no denying it. And there was no room for fear.

We got there over an hour early, and they were able to do the test at 2:00 instead of 3:00 - a good thing since I hadn't had anything to eat or drink since midnight! Blessing! Judy and Shirley were the technicians (?) who did the test. They were both glad I had my Bible verse with me (I kept it on the screen of my cell phone, which I kept with me). They were very very encouraging, understanding and gentle. And when it was the most miserable and nasty, Judy spoke my Bible verse back to me! And precious Shirley made me a pot of coffee because I said that was what I missed the most, not food, just coffee...so as soon as the test was done, she brought me a cup just as I like it! And then we discussed faith in Jesus! Indeed, God provided believers to see me through in answer to that specific prayer!

Yes, the experience was terrible. I hated every second of it. Judy and Shirley were wonderful in the midst of it, and I was pleasant as I could manage but I really wanted to just leave. And I still hurt from it, almost 7 hours later, but when I remember back on the experience, even while it is still fresh in my mind how awful it was, I feel BLESSED! God took something like this and gave it to me as a BLESSING!!

Yes, this is how God worked today, and how He works most often in my life. He doesn't remove my burdens of life, He doesn't prevent me from fully experiencing them, but He does assure me of His presence with me, and He blesses me through them! In the midst of everything else in life, He is there, He helps, He loves, He teaches, and He blesses.

He is MY God, I am HIS child, and He is ALWAYS faithful!

Monday, November 15, 2010

Managing My #Parrots, Managing my Life

I am a home-loving woman. I love my cozy spaces, surrounded by the people and pets and things that make me happy and add something to my life. When my home is in a state of flux, my world just doesn't seem right.



Right now things are in flux. It is the time of year when my parrots move from their summer spot at the north-facing end of our living room to their winter spot at the south-facing end, where there are huge windows that bring in every bit of sunlight that God provides. (This also involves rearranging everything in our living space, during which time I also do a thorough cleaning.)  And typically I do this at about the same time as we put up our storm windows.



This year, however, due to health issues (both my husband's and my own) it has been several weeks since we put the storm windows up, and the parrots still haven't been moved. In addition, one of my 2 beloved cockatiels died this fall. These teenaged pointy-heads have been together their whole lives, sharing a large flight cage since I acquired them about 8 years ago. Now the remaining bird is using only a tiny area of the cage, and is much less active than when he had his buddy around. I think he needs a bit of a shaking up, and one of the ways I plan to do that is to move him to a different cage, one that is more fitting to a single bird. Meanwhile I have 2 lovebirds - a brother and a sister - who aren't tame, are also in their teen years, but have been living in 2 smaller cages for several years. They love to be together, don't get out for regular flight time like the others do (I have to net them to get them back in, and I hate doing that!), so they will take over the large flight cage.



My parrots have had the same cages for quite a few years, and I know that they don't like change. But I am hoping that a different cage for the cockatiel, with stimulating toys and activities just for him, will bring him out of his lethargy. He still has his friend the greencheek conure with which to share out-of-cage flight time, and they will be next to each other instead of stacked as they are now. I am hoping that these changes will help him to recover from his loss. And I know that the lovebirds will get more exercise in the flight cage, they will love being together (they stay as close as they can with bars between them right now, and love their rare times out together); I plan to divide toys and sleeping spots and feeding areas into 2 separate areas, so they can either claim their own territories or can share and fly back and forth between the 2.



I plan to do this within the next few days so that all of them can adapt to their changes in their current places in the living room. Once all is well, I can do the room rearranging that will need to be done so that they can enjoy our northern Michigan winter sunshine.



And once all is done, all 9 of my parrots and I can enjoy our cozy home again and not deal with another state of flux until spring!

All Eyes On December 1st

Everything in my life, it seems, is focused on Dec. 1st. When I think about the future, it is divided into "before my surgery" and "after my surgery".

Goals for before my surgery: lay up a supply of food for my parrots (formerly known as Itty Bitty Birdie Bites, when I was still running my business); get my shop reorganized and cleaned; move our keyboards/bookcase/music books from the dining room to the half of my former shop that will now be the music room; clean the dining room, including the carpet; move my table/chairs from the sunroom to the dining room; clean the sunroom, including the carpet; move the futon into the sunroom for added living space or a place for guests; rearrange the bird cages to the other side of the living room so they'll have southern exposure and sunshine from the biggest windows through the winter, and move our living space to the other side where the birds were - of course cleaning thoroughly (including carpets!) as I go.

And I am putting up a website for our church. This is really important to me. Right now we are living without an income, and therefore without a tithe. This is our offering that God can use for the advancement of His kingdom and is very important for me to provide. It was grieving my heart that I had nothing to offer until we get some sort of income, then God put in my heart that I can still work toward growing His church and supporting my local congregation. Creating a website is how I am doing that. I want to get it up Before Surgery, and can fine-tune it and add to it After Surgery, especially in the first days (or weeks? I hope not!) when I probably won't be doing a whole lot else. But it energizes and excites me to know that I can still contribute resources to God's kingdom in this way.

These are the main things I want to accomplish. Each day I try to do at least SOMETHING toward my goals, depending on the state of my arthritis and gut pain I do more on some days than others. But these are things that I feel MUST be done.

I am writing an ebook also, and have picked it up and worked on it on and off for several months. Not sure what I will do with it once it is finished, but that is something I want to do After Surgery. I also want to do some more recording of music on my keyboard, and I have a lot of Christian materials here - music books, CDs, fiction and nonfiction books - that I need to organize and decide what I want to do with them...and I probably will be listing a bunch of stuff to sell that I will have weeded out during my rearranging and organizing Before Surgery.

I have much in my mind that needs to become reality, and I am making it happen. So I do what I can, when I can, and it will all get done...Before Surgery or After Surgery.

Some Michigan schools even ban cupcakes... [Michigan - Land of diminishing rights & increasing restrictions.]

If I were raising a child in my low-carb lifestyle and they were being brainwashed into eating whole grains and other carby foods I'd be TICKED. It is a parent's right to determine their child's dietary standards. Of course, it's a parent's right to determine many things that government-run schools have taken over now. Private school or homeschool - it's the only way I'd educate a child, if I had one now...


Tuesday, November 9, 2010

At The Doctor Yesterday

So there are a few things I need to do to prepare for surgery on Dec. 1st and one of them was to see my family doctor. Yesterday she did the standard stuff like an EKG and ordering lab work, and we also discussed the particulars of the upcoming surgery which she can pronounce and I still can't.

One of the things she mentioned is that I should consider going on a liquid diet now. This makes sense from the aspect that everything I eat makes me sick and causes pain and bloating anyway. (Recently I've had such huge bloats that even my largest pair of sweat pants don't fit, and I look flat-chested even though I wear a DD cup!) I know I can do this, I can do whatever I have to do. Many are the times I have wished to just go Home and leave the pain behind if I can't live without pain.

The irony here is that I am such a foodie! I go to sleep most nights watching recipe videos on YouTube. I blog about food, write about food, plan my life around food - not because I have a need to actually consume more food than others, but because everything about it fascinates me. I love creating dishes, I love serving food to those I love. I love grocery shopping, budgeting, planning. How food is used by the body, which foods cause health and wellness and which will kill, what our bodies need - and don't need - from the food we eat, why we eat what we do...everything about food fascinates me. Food is my passion.

Everything else we discussed during my 30-minute-long appointment is a blur now. All that stands out is that she strongly recommends I go on a liquid diet (not clear liquid, BTW) so that my "pipes" are in the best possible shape, and I will have the best possible outcome. And all I could think about was the huge grocery stockpiling I had just done last week, all of the wonderful marvelous dishes I had planned...

Today I am dealing with it all. I awoke this morning with the realization that I can still plan, shop, cook, and provide wonderful meals for my family and friends...I will just need to make my own soups and yogurt smoothies and things at the same time. (I will blog about what I will be eating in my other blog.)

Just another step on the journey, one that is maybe trying to trip me up a little bit but it is all part of attaining the goal of a normal healthy future.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Online Television

I've used sites like Hulu and Fancast quite a bit when I've wanted to spend a mindless evening de-stressing in front of numerous News Radio episodes. But now that, due to hubby's recent surgery and subsequent lifting restrictions - along with my health issues leading me to all but close my business, we are a zero-income family, we are having to give up some things. And our beloved DirecTv is one of them. Actually we have put the account on hold until better days come.

Enter internet TV. We have watched it since the beginning - only about 5 years ago actually - and have had high hopes for actual online entertainment. From Babelgum to Boxee, we've watched the baby steps of the industry, which I believe only became a viable alternative to our satellite television within the last 2 years.

There have been a gradual increase in options available for watching TV online, and my own level of interest in each has increased as well. Early on, sites with original programming such as documentaries were common. And sites started popping up with "world programming" that boasted thousands of stations - most of them weren't in English, and the quality of the programming was poor. But to this day there are lots of those kinds of sites; they don't interest me. Then came sites such as Babelgum in 2006, which I watched a LOT! Great original programming, different stuff than what was available on cable TV but just as good to me; I loved it! And cable networks started jumping on board, offering limited programs on demand; now many networks offer an extensive selection of their own programs. (The landscape continues to change with the advent of internet connectivity directly to - or through - our television, but that's another post for another day.)

But perhaps the most popular are sites that offer a selection of independent and network programs (and often movies) for viewing where we can choose from dozens or hundreds of programs from every genre and watch full episodes at our leisure. Finally getting to the point :) I offer a selective list of these sites which I consider to be the best for my own entertainment purposes. And it is these sites which will get my attention in the coming months when my favorite programming on DirecTv isn't available to me. (NOTE: Some of these sites offer links to programming elsewhere and don't host the programs themselves, but it's all the same to me - if I can click on a program to watch, it doesn't really matter much how I get it, as long as it starts playing on my screen!)

Enjoy!
Hulu
Fancast
TVDuck
Surf The Channel
SideReel
Veoh
SlashControl
AOL TV
Babelgum
Boxee (requires download but worth it!)

There are other sites that also have full-length television episodes; some I haven't listed because this isn't their main focus, or because of time limits, or for other reasons. But if you have a favorite site, I'd appreciate you letting me know!