My Trouble With Travel

I've written a bit, here and there, in my Facebook status updates, especially today while traveling to Traverse City and back. While I do joke about it, I have a very difficult time riding in vehicles, and also being in public places. I've never been a good rider and always did the driving wherever I went, with whomever. On those rare occasions when I had to ride, though, I could handle it.

Now, things are different. For one thing I have lost 95% of the vision in my left eye. All this has done is mess up my distance perception, especially under certain circumstances (ie, with bright light or dim light, or with reflective or transparent objects). The last time I drove, a couple of years ago, I was scared to death. Every mailbox on the side of the road my eye(s) saw as something IN the road. A puddle is a hole in the road. A tree or a pole anywhere near where the road bends is dead center where I will crash into it. The lines between lanes look like posts sticking up out of the road. And even driving at 40mph, it appears that the trees along the roadside are rushing right at me at twice that speed. So given my perceptions, driving AND riding is a scary thing.

Add to that the "cerebrovascular event" that occurred in the fall of 2008. While it presented as a stroke, complete with massive head pain, aphasia, etc. and left me with temporary physical issues, my official "diagnosis" upon release was "headache". Of all the doctors I've seen, then and since, the best explanation has been that I had vascular spasm in my brain that morning. (This makes sense to me as I've had prinzmetal's angina for well over a decade.) And while the initial physical effects have pretty much cleared up with therapy and time, I feel like I have a different brain now. There are quite a few things that are different (I frequently use wrong words or "lose my place" when I'm talking, my incredibly fast and accurate typing skills are no more and I have to retype at least half of my words because I typed a different word than I was thinking, or typed a word in reverse order, or whatever, my multitasking, organizational, and mathematical skills are all but gone, etc.), but put together with the vision issues, I now get differing messages to my brain when riding or driving. What I SEE - which is skewed - and how my brain interprets what I'm seeing - which is skewed - make travel more like a scary amusement park ride than a ride in the car.

Pete and my sister have been able to accommodate me pretty well, either by how they're driving or how they anticipate my reactions and reassure me ahead of time. And Casey is getting better and is at least aware. But when I'm in public, either in a car or on foot, I have become dependent on Pete; he "gets" me. As I am mis-perceiving what I see - and even feel - he can anticipate. He stays on my blind side in public, and watches for perceived "obstacles" in my path. He keeps me appraised of things I can't see...because it isn't just a startle when I turn and run into someone or knock into a display; it is the chaos that happens in my brain because it isn't comprehending, as it used to, all of the input. I will freeze or panic in public places, my brain doesn't take in all of the information, interpret it, and tell me how to proceed in a split second like it used to...it shuts me down, stopping me in my tracks, and I can't do anything at all until I "catch up" to myself - or at least, that's how it feels...

I used to be independent to a fault, stubborn, strong-willed, and 100% self-sufficient. Maybe this is God's way of tempering or softening me? I obviously prefer my well-known home to every other place now. My family watches out for me, no kids are zooming around me as I'm negotiating around a crater (who thought to put those advertisements on the floor at Walmart anyway???) and my limited concentration is centered on that, there aren't curbs to step off - or over - when I have no idea how high it is, or if I'm stepping into a puddle or a hole. I know every tiny dip or rise in the floors. When I'm in public threats are all around, I can't react to them because I misinterpret what I'm seeing or feeling, and my sluggish brain can't seem to catch up from one thing to the next. When I'm with Pete though, I feel as secure as I can be; he's in charge and takes care of me and I can do it. Handing over the same control to anybody else though...like Casey or anyone (other than my sister who also "gets it") else driving me...that's really tough and scary to me.

Weird, huh?

Kind of a Fun Morning - In a Musical Sort of Way...

I have talked about my beloved Yamaha keyboard (a PSR-9000Pro) ad nauseum, I know. And we also have my mom's little Yamaha keyboard - a YPT-20 - here. I've loved using mine at church, but it is a bear to move back and forth. It's heavy and large and awkward and I'm always afraid of damaging it going up and down steps, in spite of Pete's brilliant carrier he made out of a hand truck, foam pipe insulation, and duct tape...so I have started taking my mom's keyboard on Sunday mornings.

However it is so unsatisfying! I like using the instruments and rhythms (or, voices and styles in Yamaha-speak), although the styles were more of an issue than they were worth, it turns out, and didn't allow me to follow the song leader's changes in tempo. But still...

We also have here a little 10-year-old Radio Shack keyboard - MD-981 - that we'd gotten several years ago for $15 from someone who was cleaning out her closets. No power supply or music stand was included, but I thought it might be something fun for my daughter to use so we bought a power supply at the time. While Casey lost interest after a short while, I'm keeping it for a friend who'd like it once she moves to our area. In the meantime, however, we had misplace the power supply for it (in fact we couldn't even find the keyboard itself for quite a while!), so it just sat.

This morning Pete happened to find the power supply while looking for something else. What fun! Of course there is NO comparison to the Yamaha in sound quality, in the same way that there's no comparison between eating hay or prime rib. But it has quite a few different instrument sounds on it, they are at least identifiable, and the good folk at our small country church aren't musical snobs - in fact quite the opposite.

So we hooked it up to some nice speakers this morning and lo and behold, not bad! There's an output jack for the speakers at church, one for a sustain pedal, and we have a portable music stand that I can set up behind it, so I think all systems are go. It's very light-weight (8#) too.

Meanwhile, my Petey has wanted to learn some keyboard basics. Between some beginner books and some YouTube videos (he doesn't seem to want my help) and this keyboard, he'll have something to play with and learn. (He already plays his Suzuki QChord - an amazing little MIDI device!)

I was thinking about getting a more portable Yammy this summer anyway, but this might just fill the bill until then, and in the meantime Pete can have lots of fun with it :).

When Do You Pray?

That's my shortened version of a question recently asked online. I just have a few thoughts that were triggered when I read it.

I guess I was a little surprised. When DON'T You Pray? is what I would have expected, maybe. Awareness of God's presence within and around me is a constant, and there is usually some sort of dialogue going on with Him, no matter what else I'm doing, and an ongoing sensitivity to the guiding of His Spirit as He guides me through the day.

Both music and the reading of His Word open my heart for deeper, uninterrupted conversation with God. I wish I had more of that in my life. No, that's wrong. I don't make enough time with Him alone. Maybe that's what the question meant? Even reading the Word, though, or playing or hearing music that exalts Him, it's the same sort of praying, the kind where I question and He answers or He illuminates a truth, or whatever. But those are also the times when I can become overwhelmed with His presence and feel more as one with Him.

Another time is when He brings someone to mind, I know they need prayer for some reason right then, that very moment, and I provide it. Prayer opens up God's power in our lives and in the lives of those for whom we intercede, and these are the times when the person He put in my mind needs Him to move. I consider these times to be about as special as it gets.

Someone mentioned, at the above-mentioned site, that prayer is treated among Christians as a duty ("price to pay" for being a Christian was his phrase) instead of a privilege, an opportunity to go directly to the Creator of the universe on our own behalf or on the behalf of others. Think about it: Can you go talk to the owner of the company where you work whenever you want to, any time of the day or night, and his his full attention to your concerns? Your mayor? Governor? The ruler of your own country? They are all our equals on a spiritual plane, and there is only One Who is greater - yet because Christ bridged the gap we can go directly to Him with anything and everything that concerns us!

Walking with God is an amazing experience. And people have pigeon-holed prayer into various types. But just to be with Him, 24/7, to talk to him, to listen to Him, to let His Spirit guide us from the most mundane to the most important parts of our lives, day in and day out...well, that's when I pray.

New Year's Eve

To me, just another day. I don't really celebrate, or do anything special to mark the continued passage of time...I guess because that's all it is, other than having to hang a new calendar: a continuation of the same thing, passing time.

So needless to say I don't make resolutions either. But I read a status update by Patrick Green of Northern Christian Radio today that made more sense to me than most resolutions that people make. I'm not sure about the etiquette about quoting people from their Facebook walls, so I won't copy/paste, but he said that his is 2nd Corinthians 8:7 "I want to abound in faith, in speech, in knowledge, in all diligence, in love and in the grace of giving."

I have an old and dear friend for whom New Year's is important, as a time of "thankful worship and rededication to the Lord...introspection and reflection"

I can understand this, as it is something I do on a daily basis. (So does she, by the way, and is one of the most faithful Christ-serving people I've ever known.) So it doesn't have the same relevance for me I guess. But in that spirit, I am also going to claim 2Cor.8:7 as my daily reminder of why God adopted me into His family: to be a witness to who He is and what He offers us all.

Happy New Year!

Climbing Into God's Lap

You know what I love to do? Pray.

Oh, I talk to God all the time, and when He puts someone into my mind out of the blue, I know they need a prayer right then and there, so I talk to God about them no matter what else I was doing. And I ask His opinion on things, and as I go through tasks He continually gets His hands right in there with mine to make things go smoothly. His presence is always apparent to me in a very real way.

There are also times when I fall prostrate - spiritually if not physically - and let my broken heart bleed all over his nail-scarred hands. Always, He listens, lets me rant or sob or just cry out to Him for mercy or grace or healing. And I know that He answers, because either He provides what I asked for, or a calm acceptance when He provides what I didn't know I needed. Either way, His hands heal my brokenness.

But there are also special times, when I just want to be His. Those are times when I climb into his lap, which is plenty big enough to hold even me, and lean on Him, and just talk about things. I talk about people who have needs or have asked for prayer or who I just think need talking about. I chatter about the things that would cause anybody's eyes to glaze over with boredom, and I share the secrets that He already knows but that I need to talk about anyway. This is also where I repent and seek mercy, and where I allow myself to feel awestruck by His love for me.

The God Who created everything that was made, Who wove together my parts in my mother's womb, Who sought me out when I refused to acknowledge His existence, and Who keeps the planets on course...the God of Scripture...this is the God who cares so deeply about me that his arms are always open to me, no matter what...and I always will have a place there.

And so can we all. We have the great opportunity to read the greatest Love Story ever written, and through it to know its Author in a more intimate way than we have a right to. But His love for us shines through, and He offers each one of us adoption into His family to become joint heirs with Christ...and to secure a spot on His lap forever and always...

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Computers...Part II

First of all, Pete has his laptop back - YAY!

Second, I'm full-time on the desktop now. And I can see where, for the last few years, I've lost some things on the laptop. For example, the colors are brighter and the graphics are sharper. And, of course, the sound is much better even though I'm using dinky little speakers. Still, it is a more satisfying experience when it comes to graphics and music.

Third, I'm excited that Pete has resolved my "hunching over the end table" issue! When we lived in Lansing (MI) and used our dining room as an office, I had my desktop set up on a 5' conference table. Good height, plenty of space for my printer, speakers, and whatever else I needed. But I had forgotten all about those tables. He remembered, and when Casey is here to help we will move my desktop back onto a conference table. The birds will like is also, as I'll be able to set up a play area right next to me again...although they really spend more time ON me, actually... And I'll be able to sit in a more comfortable chair rather than this stool!

So that's all good.

Fourth, I ended up deleting Thunderbird. It was definitely promising, but I couldn't figure out how to get my passwords for all of my owly.net email accounts entered, and after spending half the night trying to find the answer in their docs and elsewhere online, I gave up. So I'm back to using OE again. It has its problems and I still hate it, but at least it's familiar. I used to use Eudora, 15+ years ago...maybe I'll try that again...

It's been 3½ years since I got a laptop and stopped using a desktop on a regular basis, and already I'm finding that there are a lot of good things about it! I may just get a netbook when the time is right, and stick with this one for home use.

(BTW, this is an eMachine that I bought 2nd-hand from one of Casey's friends; apparently she'd used it for her homeschooling mostly. The model is T3985 if you're interested, but it has lots of USB ports which are a blessing, and I love that I can plug in my headphones/mic/whatever into the front of the CPU! Very nice for my purposes! Plus, since I don't move it around, I can keep my WD external HD plugged in for easy backups and file storage/access!)

So all is well, there's a happy ending, and I'm really feeling blessed!

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Computers! Can't live with 'em...

We are admittedly rather geeky in our family. Personally, I have - or did have - the laptop that has been my Main Machine for 3½ years (Pete & I have had identical ones), plus the desktop that I use mainly with my Yamaha PSR-9000Pro keyboard, and of course "N8" (Nate), my Nokia N810 Internet Tablet and constant companion.

So when the display on my laptop failed a couple of weeks ago, I wasn't overly worried since I still had 2 other computers. Still, after Pete messed around with the laptop and announced that it was fixed, I was elated! Most of my online time was spent, after all, during my down times in my recliner: while having my morning coffee/tea, while waiting for pain pills to take effect or during lunch or whatever during the day, or in the evenings.

My joy was short-lived, however, when Pete told me a few days later that he hadn't been able to fix my laptop, so he had simply replaced his own hard drive with mine in his machine! It didn't seem right to me that I still had my desktop or N8 to use but he only had his own N810. So I spent Saturday copying all of my files to my WD external HD that I use for backups, and exporting my browser and email files. By Sunday afternoon I had everything onto the WD and could start copying essential files onto my desktop. Music and videos and photos I could leave, since the WD stays plugged into to desktop all the time, used as a secondary drive for file storage anyway...

By late Sunday/early today I was done and almost ready to let Pete take his laptop back and put own HD back into it. All of my browser files and settings were nicely imported, and ditto for my Outlook Express settings and email folders...EXCEPT for the Inbox and Sent Items folders. For some reason these 2 kept showing up empty!

To make a long story short here, I'll just say that I downloaded, installed, tried, and uninstalled more OE utilities than you can imagine, and consulted numerous techie websites. Google got a real workout! I imported and copied over these 2 files a dozen times at least, deleting the folders.dbx file each time before restarting OE, and nothing! All of my other folders were fine, so it made no sense to me...and it still doesn't.

But finally, after 7 hours hunched over the keyboard (since it isn't used very much, the desktop is on a low end table), I got those last 2 files into OE by copying them from my HD in Pete's laptop onto a memory stick, moving the stick to the desktop, deleting the originally-copied-from-the-WD-drive files from the identity folder where the OE stores are kept plus the folders.dbx file of course, and starting OE again. And it worked! I can't imagine why 76 folders imported properly and 2 didn't, or why the same identical files worked from the stick but not from the WD drive...but it did and I guess that's all that matters.

I've had a love-hate relationship with OE for a decade or more. So the last thing I did was install the Mozilla Thunderbird email client (I use the Flock browser, based upon the Mozilla Firefox browser) and import my mailboxes and address book into that. My OE days are done.

So now I'll be using N8 (as I am right now), or hunched over my desktop toget online...but I'm thankful I have thm, and that Pete can now have his own computer back to get online again! Come to think of it, it does seem a little obscenely greedy to have 3 computers...

:)