Health Update

Today was my endoscopy of my gut. Let me just say that my belly/back pain has continued to increase, along with the size and hardness of my upper abdomen. At times I have been writhing. Add this to my intense leg pain and there are so many times that I don't even know if life is worth living (even while I know that isn't up to me)...

Anyway, hopeful for answers today, none forthcoming. Barrett's still there but doesn't look as bad as it did a couple of years ago - a praise! Doc snatched a bit to biopsy. Hiatal hernia, first seen through a scope in 1992 but considered so small as to be inconsequential then, is much larger now and probably the cause of some pain but certainly not to the degree I have. There is also inflammation in my small intestine - not a surprise, given when I've already got going on...

So for today, no answers yet - just more pain than ever...and another test coming up in 6 days - this one involving oatmeal and isotopes, plus a referral to a surgeon.

While I'm on the subject: 2 nights of reflux so intense that I had to hold back my head and stretch my mouth open to breathe past the acid burning in my trachea - yes, my windpipe - while the pain shooting across my chest and back was searing, and acid burning up into my ear canals and nose. We're not talking heartburn here, this is torture. 2 nights in a row, the 2nd night pounding the bed with intensity of the pain and the difficulty breathing. I have never known such agonizing torturous horrific pain...and this, while I'm taking 2 acid-suppressing drugs (protonix and zantac).

I often think, "I don't know how much more I can stand." Then I realize that I can stand whatever happens, because I have no choice. The inability to even move without pain, to eat properly, to walk without assistance, to not trip, run into things, lose my balance - to be independent and able to simply eat, breath, and walk - I don't even remember what that's like. And so often I despair of ever experiencing those things again. Life under the influence of strong pain killers that only handle part of the job, isn't life at all.

Yet for my online "life" - emails, facebook, twitter, whatever - I can use smileys and make cracks and type "lol" and appear normal. Nobody sees the huge dark circles that have taken up residence under my eyes, or hears me trying to fight the pain just to move, or sometimes just to breathe. The internet is my costume, my clown white, that stands between my reality and how I can portray myself...

But for today, more tests, more pain, no more answers...and that's my update.